Play Live Radio
Next Up:
0:00
0:00
Available On Air Stations
Watch Live

KPBS Midday Edition

'American Sniper' Widow Comes To San Diego To Discuss Life, Loss

U.S. Navy Seal Chris Kyle is pictured walking with his two children in this undated photo.
Courtesy: Taya Kyle
U.S. Navy Seal Chris Kyle is pictured walking with his two children in this undated photo.
'American Sniper' Widow Comes To San Diego To Discuss Life, Loss
'American Sniper' Widow Comes To San Diego To Discuss Life, Loss
"American Sniper" Widow In San Diego To Discuss Memoir On Life & Loss GUESTS:Taya Kyle, author, "American Wife: Love, War, Faith and Renewal" Karen Schoenfeld-Smith, psychologist, San Diego Vet Center

This is KPBS Midday Edition I am Maureen Cavanaugh. The long Memorial Day weekend is coming up and ceremonies both local and national will honor America's fallen military heroes but family members of those killed in America's war should be remembered too. The spouses of fallen dilatory members have to cope with death at a time when most couples are planning their lives. And their families are often left with very young children who grow up without it parents. TAM joined by a woman whose story of love and loss was played out in national headlines. Taya Kyle the widow of U.S. Navy seal, Chris Kyle, who is known for his book, American Sniper. Herb new book is called an American wife and memoir of love, war, faith and renewal. Welcome to the program. Thank you for having me. I'm also joined by Dr. Karen Schoenfled-Smith a psychologist with the San Diego veteran center. Welcome to the show. Thank you very much. Thanks having me. Taya many people are aware of the tragic death of your husband Chris after his years of service in the military but let me first ask you about when Chris was serving in Iraq as a Navy seal, but was it like for you and the kids? Chris was injured several times overseas. Not enough to the point where he stayed out of the fight. And it was different every deployment I think that is something some people don't expect but if you have lived through it you know it is different because you have different phases of your life your children are different ages who are you are more accustomed to it or they are going to a new area, is always different. The and Chris ever talk about the possibility he would not be coming home from one of those deployments? Often, yes. And what would those conversations be like? For him being a warrior I think a lot of warriors still this way that if you were to die on the battlefield that would be an honor. A way to go if you are going to go and for me of course it is hard to not interpret that differently. Are you taking chances than? Is a talk about an American wife he assured me he wasn't taking any chances but I think you have to be willing to accept that if you are going to go into battle you have to be fearless. There is a part of you that has to accept that possibility and it is easier if you think there is some honor in that versus anything else that would make you more fearful. How do you accept that explanation? I do understand it in a way I do but obviously when it is someone you love it is your worst nightmare the anything will ever happen to them and it is a matter of compromise lysing I think of being compassionate and understanding with that mentality and trying to figure out how you voice your own opinions and how you tell somebody else your fears without distracting them from the battle or without being a nagging wife who doesn't understand and who doesn't support. I think that from my experience talking to other first responder wipes and veteran wife's that there is a part of the that feels almost unpatriotic or guilty or ashamed that you can't just embrace it and be on that same page that is what you want with your spouse you want to be supportive and lifting them up for whatever they want to do and it becomes challenging. Karen, do you you find military couples do talk about that possibility when a spouse is sent into a theater of war or do they avoid the subject? I think that they do talk about it. I also think that there is some level of avoidance and some hope that it is an administrative practice that is a requirement prior to deployment and they hope it doesn't happen to them. So there is some discussion I think it varies quite a bit depending on the family. Now your memories, Taya, make up a big part actually of Chris Kyle's memoir American separate the service about his most deadly sniper service in US history but what you think the family story was important to include an upper? I talk about that a little bit in American wife too I wasn't so sure it was important or valid and I think that you also get in the habit almost as a spouse of keeping quiet about your side of things or not , try not to make as much of a fuss about it. It's really Jim and Chris Sengfelder was important at the elements because it was a big part of Chris' story I don't think he could tell his story completely without showing the dynamic a feeling he had two places to serve went home and and when the battlefield. I give a lot of credit to both Chris and Jim for recognizing that. In American wife , your memoir, tran10, you talk about the last time you and Chris were together right before he was about to go out to meet the man that turned out to be his killer. Did you have any concerns about his safety at that time? I had a moment not anything that was tangible enough to say anything or do anything that I also was very accustomed to talking the fear away and so it was a bit of an unknown but it was also something he had done so many times before. So I have looked back and tried to remember, did I have any kind of a bad gut feeling, nothing overwhelming. Did I have a moment where I paused probably but not to the point that I actually thought there would be harm. I think it is just the awareness that life is unpredictable and this guy has trouble and I don't even know honestly if it was at his word about Chris or Chad or he thought it is a stressful situation to go into where somebody's mother is crying asking you to help them is different than the hundreds of thousands of times before he did it maybe just hundreds -- but with some buddy he was having a hard time coming there on their own to get help. Something is just a little different. In your book you write about telling your kids about Chris' death and you will read a little segment from your book, American wife for us. Yes, I will. But the set on my right knee, and Angel on my left. I took a deep breath. I was already crying. Daddy is hurt I told them. They looked at me and I close my eyes. Is he dead? I opened my eyes and nodded, yes. She let out a cry that came from her got. But the's eyes glossed over and tears poured out I held them both close I am so sorry, guys I am so sorry. We stayed there for minutes or hours. Finally, Bubba asked if we could go inside, yes, I told him. Inside everyone had given us space, the living room is empty. We sat on the couch and I told them what had happened. Daddy was helping someone I said said. There was something really, really wrong with that person in his brain, he shot and killed daddy and Mr. Chad. Thank you. Taya Kyle, that was emotional for you I appreciate you reading from your book for us thank you. It's okay, thank you. Now, Karen, even though Chris Kyle died after his time in the service, this must be very similar to what military families go through when informed of the death of a service member? Absolutely. There is a big difference between death you anticipate coming because somebody is ill and that dramatic loss that comes from something like this somebody being shot when you are not expecting it. From combat, from a traffic accident, or even even sometimes sudden cardiac arrest. So it is a very difficult way to get the news. It is shocking and it puts your life on hold. It puts you on an emotional roller coaster. What kinds of counseling does the VA offered to spouses and families going through this nightmare? The readjustment counseling service also known as the vet Center provides service to family members who have lost somebody on active duty. Whether it is in the war zone or stateside and the centers are located in 300 locations across the nation including some of our outlining areas. There is three centers in San Diego one at point Loma, one in Chula Vista and one in San Marcos. When we get a notification we are being asked to provide bereavement counseling, we stop what we are doing and make contact. And there is no wait for those services, they are available to spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, children, parents, siblings. No charge it for the services and we have extended hours and we can a week into the family in their home or office, whatever works best for them. Taya hundred Chris's military friends help you and your kids face his loss? Something with the brotherhood that I have never seen before and even if you hear about it it is different I guess in person. I know Chris did that for some of his friends he spent the time with their wives and families. They truly drop everything and they come and stay with you. The sealed team anyway assigned a couple of men on act to duty who knew the person, the deceased person very well and they are there to take care of you, be there for whatever you need and basically stand by your side. And your friends place. Just from your reading of that small section of your book , American wife, it seems like it must have been a difficult a difficult book to write. Was it? Yes it was very hard. It is in some ways I think it force me to deal with things I would've liked to put off dealing with for a while. But I also wrote it with Jim DeFelice and our families are close so in that way it was very nice because I could come to the table with whatever I felt on any given day and I get game so much credit for being able to organize basically me emotionally, vomiting for months on end, organizing into a way that actually makes sense to readers. I think the passage in particular I was asked to read today is more emotional because obviously your children , you are their protector, you are the one you want to save them from anything harmful let alone something that will change their entire life. That to me is still one of the most emotional parts of our life together. Since it was so raw for you since it was still so much of sort of an undigested experience for you and your family, why did you want to write this book? But there were a few reasons one was American Sniper the book and American Sniper the movie we got so much feedback both when Chris was alive and after he was killed that there were couples from different wars, different eras who were finding great healing knowing they weren't alone. I have stories of couples from Vietnam who after they saw the movie, started a dialog they had had not had in the last 30 years. A lot of that reason from what we hear from other people is that it lets them the last ashamed or protective of whatever does they are going through because they now know they are not alone. It is okay to talk about it. That was a main reason why I wanted to write American wife and the other thing was there is a side to Chris that a lot of people did not know I know there are a lot of people who loved him but there was more to him. I felt like it has always been everybody's story not just our story and the first responder, veteran men and women serving this country and there is a misconception in some ways that these people love to fight or they are just a cold warrior or something like that whereas I see it much differently I see it is people who have huge hearts willing to take on things most of us wouldn't for a whole lot less money than most of us would take it on for and it is their heart that allows them to serve and the heart doesn't just shut off when he comes home it is there for the family as well. And things change as they go to the evil in process and all the things they have to face. That was the other reason. The pain doesn't stop , Karen, just last week we learned one of the Camp Pendleton Marines killed in a helicopter accident in Nepal left behind a wife who is pregnant and his young daughter. How do you begin helping a family like that get over such a loss? Gives them a lot of time and space to be where they are with their experiences. Oftentimes people feel very judgmental about their own emotions as they go through the process of leaving. Sometimes people when they have moments of feeling happy which we hope eventually they have a lot of them through the grief process sometimes people are very judgmental about having forgotten the person that is no longer part of their life or is that will be creating new memories so people sometimes are judging themselves harshly so providing the feedback about what kinds of things are normal to feel three brief and the full range of emotions part of trauma healing is recognizing the reality of what happens, accepting that reality happened in their life and creating a life after the tragedy. I want to thank you both. Thank you so much, Dr. Karen Schoenfled-Smith and Taya Kyle you shared a lot with us today I really do appreciate it. Your memoir is called American wife, a memoir of love, war, faith and renewal. Thank you both. Thank you. Thank you.

“American Sniper” widow Taya Kyle is in San Diego this week to share her experience with life and loss.

Kyle, who documents her experience in the memoir, "American Wife: Love, War, Faith and Renewal," was celebrated Monday at the USS Midway Museum. The book covers her relationship with “American Sniper” Chris Kyle, their family life and how she is dealing with his death.

Chris was a highly decorated U.S. Navy Seal who spent four tours in Iraq, killing more than 160 enemies. His story is depicted in the film "American Sniper,” which is based on his memoir of the same name.

Advertisement

His widow's book details the couple's decade-long marriage, which survived the war that took Chris Kyle away from his family for long stretches of time.

Taya Kyle said she and her husband often spoke about what would happen if he were to die while on deployment.

“It was different every deployment,” Kyle told KPBS Midday Edition on Tuesday. “For him, being a warrior, and a lot of warriors feel this way, if you were to die on the battlefield that would be an honor.”

Over time, she said, she learned to “tuck away the fear.”

Chris was fatally shot at a Texas shooting range in February 2013. In her memoir, Kyle recounts telling her children about the death of their father:

Advertisement
Bubba sat on my right knee and Angel on my left. I took a deep breath.

"Um." I was already crying. "Daddy's hurt," I told them.

They looked at me. I closed my eyes.

"Is he dead?" blurted Angel.

I opened my eyes and nodded yes. She let out a cry that came from her gut. Bubba's eyes glassed over and tears poured out. I held them both close. "I'm sorry, guys. I'm so sorry."

We stayed there for minutes or hours. Finally, Bubba asked if we could go inside.

"Yes," I told him.

Inside, everyone had given us space; the living room was empty. We sat on the couch and I told them what happened.

"Daddy was helping someone," I said. "There was something really, really wrong with that person and his brain. He shot and killed Daddy and Mr. Chad."
Karen Schoenfled-Smith, a psychologist with the San Diego Vet Center, said the grief a person feels with a sudden death is different than a person dying from an illness.

“It’s a very difficult way to get the news,” said Schoenfled-Smith, who counsels families. “It’s shocking. It puts your life on hold. It puts you on an emotional rollercoaster.”

She said local service members can receive free bereavement services at its centers in Point Loma, Chula Vista and San Marcos.

Support Hotline

Service members who need assistance dealing with grief are urged to call the Department of Veterans Affairs Bereavement line at (202) 461-6530 for a referral to the San Diego Vet Center.

Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS)

(800) 959-8277

Military One Source

(800) 342-9647

American Sniper -Trailer

Corrected: March 28, 2024 at 11:37 PM PDT
KPBS web producer Hoa Quach contributed to this report. Excerpt reprinted with permission from HarperCollins Publishers.