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Old Folx Like Sex Too

 June 1, 2023 at 12:00 AM PDT

S1: On. Everybody's doing it With Miss Lolly. We talk about sex and aging. I mean.

S2: It's just fabulous for your heart. And it produces more youthful , sexy hormones and it encourages flexibility. It turns out that sex is one of the safest sports for older couples.

S1: This week on , everybody's doing it with Ms.. Lolly. Warning. This episode describes sex acts and other fun activities that may not be appropriate for everyone. Listener discretion is advised. But don't tell me the story.

S3: Actually , my mom. She saw. She saw her at the church , and she told me about her and. And then I saw her. So that's. Then start talking and. And we went together. And then we fall in love with each other. Yeah.

S1: Yeah , that's Robert. He owns the bodega across the street from my house. And you're probably picturing something like a small 7-Eleven , but this place is really one of a kind. Aside from the usual beer and chips , he has a section for hardware at one end of the store , and on the other end , he has a section for old records and VHS movies. And if you can hear beyond the TV that's always playing either sports or the news , you'll hear a tiny flock of parakeets that he's been raising out back. Every time I go there , I end up having some brief and interesting conversation with him about politics , the world. And this time it was about relationships. And he was kind enough to let me record some of it. Was it pretty hot ? Was it like the chemistry ? Was there ? You're kind of. Yeah.

S3: Yeah. Yeah. Well , it's very hot. Yeah.


S3: It's still the same. Yeah.

S1: How do you keep it ? Still the same.

S3: Yeah , It's all if you know how to handle it. It's not hard. Really. It's not difficult.


S3: And you arithmetically , you have extra energy to do what you want to do. Yeah.

S1: Yeah. You see your wife and you get like.

S3: Oh , yeah , it's , it's it's the same. It's , you know , we feel a lot for each other. We , you know , we love each other and we had a lot of fun.


S3: And you need love and care. Spend more time together. And that's the most supportive thing.

S1: I think a lot of people , they have this idea that when you get older , your sex life just kind of dies. Yeah , you know , but.

S3: But like , like me , I'm just I'm healthier and that helps a lot. And I always I have a lot of extra energy. I always move around and. Yeah.

S1: Yeah. And your wife , she's pretty healthy.

S3: Yeah , very healthy , too. It's just like me. That's. We're okay. Yeah. Yeah , yeah.

S1: So it sounds like having the energy is what keeps things going. What keeps things sexy , Being healthy , being in love. Yeah.

S3: Yeah. Also depends what you eat. You know , we eat very healthy food. My wife almost. She cook almost every day , so that helps a lot. And you know , most American people , they eat all junk food and that's not good for them. Most of them , they don't even cook anymore. They forgot to cook. Yeah. You know , if people cook at home that that will they get , you know , closer to each other. You know , cooking is bring people together. Yeah.

S4: Yeah.

S3: Takes time. And you smell it. You appreciate your wife. She's cooking and this and that. It's it helps a lot.

S1: The whole time Robert was talking about his wife , he was smiling and blushing a little. And I can see the glimmer in his eyes as he was remembering being a young man in Baghdad , seeing his wife for the first time. And I thought , I want that when I'm his age. I want passion and blush in my cheeks well into my winter years. And if I had to guess , I'd say all of you do , too. So in this episode of Everybody's Doing It , we will be talking with an expert in sex and aging who also just so happens to be my lovely aunt Diana. And I have for you a dominatrix who has a lot of experience with older clients and partners. And she has a lot to say about old dogs and new tricks. Oh. I didn't really start thinking about sex when I'm old until recently because , you know , old was far off. But now I look squarely in the face of the middle portion of my life. I'm thinking about it more often. I don't want to imagine that my sexual being will just fade away or eventually disappear from my life altogether. As time rolls by , our bodies and hormones change , but our inhibitions and self-awareness change too. I needed someone to help me understand what to expect. And lucky me , I have an expert in the family who is always willing to take my call. My Aunt Diana or Dr. Diana has been a licensed marriage and family therapist and board certified sex therapist for 40 years. She specializes and has many publications on sexuality and aging , including a book called Love in the Time of Corona. As Aunt Diana , she always modeled a shame free way of talking about sex. What she calls sexy seniors is a common topic at family gatherings because she firmly believes that everybody should be having more fun at any age. So I'm glad I made this call because she has some good news for all of us.

S2: Through most of my 20s , I was situationally orgasmic , which meant that everything had to be right. Right time of the month , the right guy , right amount of stimulation. And then maybe I would have an orgasm well around 40. And after I'd had two children I began to have more orgasms. So pleasure is very compelling and you want to have more pleasure. And I started wanting to have more pleasure. My grandmother and my mother were sexually active until their early 90s. And when I was in my 20s asked , Grandma , when do you think sexual desire ends ? And she replied , I'll let you know. I just had my 80th birthday. So and.

S1: And you look amazing and you sound amazing. And your life seems really wonderful.

S2: Well , it is. And it's because I have a great sex life. You know , quite honestly , one reason that you say I look good and many other people say look good for 80 is that my husband's and my sex is really hot. It has a lot of health benefits. I had surgery in February and I took two weeks off of sex with my husband and he was totally understanding. And then we were back to having sex within about two and a half weeks after surgery. And it helped with my healing. I mean , it's just fabulous for your heart. And it produces more youthful , sexy hormones and it encourages flexibility. It turns out that sex is one of the safest sports for older couples. It stretches and tones just about every muscle in the body. Research suggests that some arthritis sufferers have less pain for up to six hours after sex. Wow. And then also sex strengthens pelvic floor muscles. It also helps us to sleep better because the oxytocin released during the big orgasm also promotes sleep. So I say , and I said this in my book too Love in the time of Corona. Sex is fun. It's free and it's the fountain of youth. I've been on bioidentical hormone replacement therapy for 25 years , and it's made a difference. A woman has to have balanced hormones with menopause. Her estrogen levels drop a lot and estrogen is responsible for orgasm. So women that are low in estrogen and I hear this a lot from my female over 50 clients , that their orgasms are either nonexistent or muted. And so if the woman doesn't want to go full bioidentical hormone replacement therapy , for instance , if there's a breast cancer in her family , she may not want to put more estrogen her body , but topical estrogen can be very useful. But again , seeing your gyn go for a blood test and see where your sex hormones are , there levels estrogen , progesterone , testosterone. I worked at UCLA's female sexual Medicine Center when I was in Los Angeles. I just saw transformations in women who were even younger , women who were given some testosterone. And testosterone gives us energy and a sense of well-being. And yes , it heightens our libido. We want sex more. Yeah.

S1: Yeah. And I feel like I've talked to a few women who they just weren't enjoying sex. So they decided that , you know , they weren't going to try and they don't need it anymore. I'm wondering about the PSA portion for people over 50 over 60.

S2: Only the two of them are sharing this kind of bonding , this kind of pleasure. Many men. Get real smart , putting the woman's pleasure first. And with tantric sexuality , it is all about delaying the the ejaculation for the man. And it's his job to pleasure the woman. And it's her job in the tantric form to let go and let the goddess out. But his job is to pleasure the woman and to slow his ejaculation way down so he can last a long time. And women that are having regular intercourse , they've got the hormones now and they don't have a dry vagina. And I didn't quite finish that sentence. But women can get topical estrogens for their vaginas and their vulvas , so that can often help. As a therapist , I was dealing with a lot of people who were having really bad sex. A lot of the older people that I have seen , they say that they wish they had invested in sex earlier in their lives better communication , more intimacy and overcoming sexual anxieties. I had that investment early in my life. Around 40. I started to feel more empowered sexually. Knowledge is power. I get the question from my senior clients. We have emotional intimacy in our lives. We really want the physical intimacy back.


S2: And for women , it's low desire the driver for sometimes painful intercourse. One guy who was so concerned with creating pain with intercourse with his partner that he began to experience Ed , he was anxious about hurting his his partner. And then senior women struggle with lack of a partner because older men die sooner than older women. Women can increase their desire to be in the moment and allow herself to be stimulated and and then also to get their hormones balanced. If you talk to men , usually their favorite sexual activities are blowjobs or intercourse. Men can deal with erectile dysfunction by realizing that sex does not equal intercourse. So I suggest massaging 15 , 20 minutes , half an hour each. All of the full body caressing exercises are in my book and chapter four , I believe it's chapter four. I've told so many couples through the years , no matter their ages , realized that from a top of our heads to the bottom of our feet. Are all of these potential erotic zones , potential feasting. And a lot of people get stuck between the legs. You know , there's a lot more in this body. The whole body can be a playground , for goodness sakes. I remember after my mother had been widowed in her late 80s , I believe I gave her a sex toy and she really liked it. So you can integrate sex toys into your sex play. The technology has just increased because , you know , I've witnessed this being in the business for 40 years.

S1: Martha Stewart was just on the cover of Sports Illustrated. She was the right she was the swimsuit centerfold. She's 81. I'm wondering what you have observed from , say , 40 years ago to now when it comes to older bodies and older people being considered sexual beings.

S2: Well , it's definitely improved. When I first started after getting licensed as the marriage and family therapist , it was worse back then because the media presents how can they possibly be sexual ? They're old and look old and skin looks old and they're sagging. And there's a lot of stigma in the media against older sexuality. And I'm on a mission to change that. It's been nice to see more and more openness in the last few years. So much has to do with your attitude and your your mental state of mind and how you're feeling about your partner and yourself. A lot of that's so important.


S2: I see couples in the first interview and they've they've lost the spark. And I'll say , well , how much kissing are you doing ? Oh , we don't kiss anymore. You got to get to kissing back again. And I think also ways to maintain erotic intensity is to engage all five sex senses with sensual touch exercises , be creative , play out fantasies. Some. People that are a little shy when they're in a role and have a different voice , they can be a little more experimental if you think about it. Sexuality may be the most subjective aspect of human experience. So if you want to do something useful for your sex life , focus on yourself and anyone you're having sex with. And don't turn away. Be in the moment , breathing out of your head and in your body. Think sexuality is as much about awareness as it is about action. From birth to death. Our bodies and minds never stop changing , growing and developing. And that means our sexuality never stops changing either. And when you stop paying attention to your most personal sexual feelings and experiences , you shut yourself off from those changes and from aspects of your sexual self. So the goal is to become less sexually ignorant as we age , not more.

S1: This conversation made me feel a lot better about my sexual future , and I learned quite a bit about keeping things hot and juicy. As you heard , my Aunt Dianna just turned 80 and she's still having lots of fun. And I actually have a funny story from when my dad and I were headed to her birthday party in New York. While I was sitting on the airplane , I was approached by this woman with a charming Southern accent. She asked me if I was Miss Lolly and then introduced herself as mistress Sweet tea. I'm still not quite sure how she knew who I was , but apparently the kink community is very small and tight knit. If you don't know what I'm talking about when I say kink , that's okay. You can go back to episode four where we give you a little crash course , but for this episode , all you need to know is that Mistress sweet Tea is a gorgeous dominatrix in her 40s and she's partnered with a man in his 70s. While we were talking in the aisle of the plane , we were getting some sideways looks , so I just decided she needed to come on the show for a real conversation. I'll let her speak for herself.

S5: My name is Mr. Sweet Tea. I am 48 years old and I'm in a relationship with a partner 27 years older than myself , who is 76 years old. In 2020 , I came out as a professional dominatrix. I have been in Bdsm since I was a teenager , probably around 16 or so exploring. I did not know I could be a dominant , much less a dominatrix at that time. And those early explorations , I was in a long term relationship that ended in 2019 and my partner that when we separated , he encouraged me to pursue being a pro dominatrix. I did not know the pandemic was coming , but it was a good transition for me during that time and that was challenging.


S5: And sometimes that is in a loving way and it can be in a mommy dom diapering , nurturing situation. Sometimes it can be in a humiliating play. Sometimes it could be in a forced bisexuality type of way. It depends on the dynamic and the individual enjoy all types of roleplay. So there are certain fetishes that lend themselves to that. I don't do anything that I don't enjoy and it is always female led.

S1: How did you come into your sexual.

S5: Empowerment ? I would say it started when I was at 24 years old. I ended a high school sweetheart type of arrangement. This was when chat rooms were starting and I was able to connect with people about fetishes and things I had been curious about but had not really had access to. When I discovered that other people didn't have to be explained or coerced into doing things that I liked and that my pleasure gave them pleasure , I started feeling empowered in that way. When I was about 35 , I sought out Bdsm in a stronger way and I entered what I didn't know at the time. It was an anonymous encounter , but it ended up being a seven year relationship and that's where I liberated myself from a lot of shame , allowing myself pleasure learning not to focus on my partner's pleasure , but to focus on my own pleasure. And that empowerment was tremendous in that seven years. And at the end of that relationship , I started mentoring and becoming a professional dominant.


S5: The other piece of that is , as we're living longer , we need to not dismiss our sexual life because we've got a lot of years to live. And studies show that social interaction improves outcomes for seniors tremendously. And a part of that is dating and sex and intimacy and play and sensuality and being in touch with your body. And I tend to find that people who are more sexual are more in touch with their body and they take better care of themselves. So I think for those two reasons , the physical and the mental side of things , you just age much better.

S1: I was thinking the other day about why I feel more empowered in my body now at 41 than I did at 25. And I feel like there's something about the idea that the expectation is is almost. Did , because , you know , at 41 , you're not expected to look 25. I mean , a 25 year olds are expected to look like supermodels. 41 year olds are not. So it's almost like you get to just never fitting into any expectation.

S5: As people age more. They don't care what people think about how they look as much. A lot of people as they get older embrace nudity more and going to my experience and nudist type events or situations.


S5: Think about something that you want to try sexually and just do it. Just try it. Explore it. Anyone can do that to stay sexy. For women , I think it's important to look at examples of women that that you find sexy and that are close to your age. And we're in a time when the seniors now they invented and they were very sexually liberated. They live through the Age of Aquarius , the time when the Kinsey report came out. So these people have have been very sexually active and freaky and liberated for a long time. And you'll be surprised that men of all ages , they appreciate your body. They love the responses from an older body. They love mature curves. It's more common than you think. And especially for older women , you can embrace that. And if you feel sexy , everybody else sees that.

S1: Sex is keeping you young. Even you know , when you're 80 , while you're playing , you're young.

S5: I'll tell you , when you're older and you have more time and yeah , you don't have to have sex at night. You can have it any time we are retired. You can have sex all the time. Like there's a misconception in that older people aren't having sex. When I see a lot older people are having more sex than these people that are in the middle of that middle age , raising their family , building their career because they're working and juggling family all the time. So having that escape and making time , scheduling time and making time for pleasure and for me , I have written down pleasure every day for my body. And that's generally sex with my partner. My partner and I have sex 5 to 7 times a week at least , sometimes more , depending on , you know , our schedule. But and I have an orgasm generally every day. That's very rare that I don't have at least one orgasm a day.


S5: And sometimes younger people think , Oh , I can't learn from anything from these people. And that's wrong. You can learn from older people and the older people can learn from younger people. And , you know , it's just like we said , I wish I'd known when I was 25 what I knew at 35. So if you're talking to someone that's 75 , I mean , they've had a lot of things , right ? So they know , like when I was with my partner the very first time and he was 74 at that time , the very first time we were together , we did a position I had never done before and it was amazing. And I had an orgasm right away. So you can learn. I think there's a stigma that one , it goes away or diminishes , but just remove the barriers to that. I've really encountered more and more of the people are older people. They know what they like and they like it and they do it and or they are willing to try it.

S1: I started making this episode to help myself and others feel better about the future , and it really did help me to be more optimistic. Sure , things sag and droop and turn gray , but the fire only goes out if you let it. And in perfect timing for this episode , the best examples I've seen of blazing fires in older bodies was just a couple of weeks ago. I saw Iggy Pop live for the first time. He was half naked , thrusting his hips and absolutely commanding an audience like a 20 year old and 76 year old skin. It was incredible. At the same show , I also saw Susie Sue for the first time in almost 20 years. I have to admit that Siouxsie and the Banshees have been my favorite since I was 13. In fact , some of the music you hear in the background of the show is actually me playing Siouxsie and the Banshees songs on the piano. So yeah , I'm a big fan. But even with my obvious bias , there was no denying that the sensuality of this 65 year old woman was palpable. She created serious sexual electricity in the crowd full of young and old. I had a moment when I realized what I was watching was these two performers prove and embody everything Dr. Diana and Mistress Suite said Attitude , my friends. If you have a real lust for life , you can leave people spellbound at any age. See what I did there ? Stay lubed , Beautiful's. And thanks for listening. Everybody's doing it. Is produced and hosted by me , Miss Lolly for Bad for Media. Our executive producer is Parker Edison for Meridian Arts and our head editor is the talented Chris Reyes. I am so grateful these two don't blush easily. Adrian Villalobos is media production specialist. Lisa Jane Morissette is director of audio programming and operations and John Decker is senior director of Content Development. You can subscribe and find our newest episodes on Apple , Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. This programming is made possible in part by the Kpbs Explore Content Fund. Have fun out there. Beautiful. And thanks for listening.

Desire and play has no age limit.

Our sexuality doesn’t just turn off once society decides we are too old to be sexy. Miss Lolly talks with “Sexy Seniors” about a lifetime of healthy sex and continued discoveries and desires.