KPBS Commentaries

Christmas is upon us, and by this time weve seen the best that toy makers and makers of consumer electronics can offer in 2006. But next year will be another day, so to speak, and I cant wait to see what the favorite gifts of 2007 will be.

There isnt much that I trust in this world. But I have total faith in the ability of capitalism and relentless advertising to whet the American appetite for excess. Heres a sample of what I expect will be next years hot new gift items.

Porn Star Barbie.

The folks at Mattel, who make Barbie Dolls, are sick and tired of losing market share to Bratz. Those slutty Bratz dolls have gotten way too popular with Americas sexually precocious little girls. But two can play at that game! Next years blockbuster toy will be Porn Star Barbie, and this little gal is off the charts on the trash scale. She comes with lights, camera and action. Co-star Ken will be sold separately.

Play Station Godzilla.

Maybe you think Sonys Play Station 3 is powerful, but you aint seen nothin. Play Station Godzilla will be the ultimate gig pig, featuring super computer capacity for the first time in a video game platform. In addition to storing and playing (simultaneously) all your favorite games, it has enough power left over to coordinate the launch and navigation of the Space Shuttle. (Expect NASA to be in touch). The Godzilla will be pricy, but you can be sure people will camp overnight outside Wal-Mart to be the first in line for this bad boy.

The Bradley Fighting Vehicle

You saw them rumble into Iraq as American troops proceeded to kick some Baath Party butt. Next year, the Bradley Fighting Vehicle will be available for Americas daily commutes. Forget the Hummer! Its puny. Its yesterdays news. The Brad Fighter is the perfect idea for the gift giver who thinks big. Imagine the look on Dads face when he finds this sucker parked in his driveway on Christmas morning. Imagine how powerful hell feel when he sidles up to a Volkswagen at the stoplight! Low gas mileage is a downside. But youre on the front line of motor trends when you drive the Brad Fighter.

A new face.

If you saw the movie Face Off with John Travolta and Nicholas Cage, you get the idea. Why should anyone bother with nips, tucks and Botox when its a lot simpler to start from scratch. The Chinese say its bad to lose face. But think what youll gain when you can order up a whole new mug and look like any combination of your favorite movies stars. The skys the limit, and most cosmetic surgeons will be offering gift certificates next holiday season.

Remember you heard it here first. If none of this floats your boat, just get your brother a box of golf balls and be done with it. But for now, have yourself a very merry Christmas! superaerobics
May 17, 2007 at 07:56 PM
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