Letters To My Father In Prison: 'In His Absence, I Loved Harder'

Speaker 1: 00:00 What's it like to have a parent in and out of jail and prison for your entire life? Melissa Duenas, who grew up in national city and went to school in Chula Vista, remembers that when her father was out, his imagination and sense of adventure filled her life with laughter and joy when he was locked up, the two of them kept in touch by constantly writing letters. Nothing brightened her day more than coming home to one of his immaculate Lee handwritten letters when she was a little girl, but as she got older, Melissa grew tired of her father's empty promises to change for the better, stay out of jail and stop using drugs. Now, a student at USC, she tells the story of how a daughter can grapple with love, pain, nostalgia, and trauma. Simultaneously. A note to listeners, all of the letters you'll hear will be read by voice actors and a warning. This story include some disturbing themes. Speaker 2: 01:00 [inaudible] Speaker 3: 01:00 the year is 1993 and me and my family, all right, Disneyland on his sticky summer day. I'm a giggly five year old. My mom's holding my sister a wide newborn, and then there's my brother. He's trying to play it. Cool because he's 13 what were their miss Lizzy? That's my dad. His name is Ben. He's our unofficial family cameramen in missy is my family nickname. I'm trying to get an autograph from one of the Disney characters Speaker 2: 01:28 that, who's this guy? Oh, Jabbar Hobart. Speaker 3: 01:35 My Dad is wearing his usual Dickies pants and a white sleeveless undershirt with all his prison tattoos and site. I'm sure he looked intimidating, but this is who he really was a wisecracking jokester did. I had a blind love. Speaker 2: 01:49 I hope you not writing my daughter. I love, no. Yeah. Okay, thank you. I see what it says. Oh, okay. All right. Speaker 4: 02:09 Ever since I was little, I remember my dad being locked up. He went in and out for different violations, like robbery, possession of a weapon, drugs. When he was away, I wrote him constantly. Speaker 2: 02:28 My name to 99 do you like my card? I'm really supposed to be asleep right now because it's Sunday night, but I'm making this card fee. So do you feel different now that you're the big 39 I hope they were extra nice to you because it was ubd. Well Happy Birthday Speaker 5: 02:53 March, 1999 Speaker 2: 02:56 I got your letters, my birthday card and pictures. Speaker 5: 03:00 Thank you very much for taking the time to write me. It looks so beautiful in those pictures. It brought tears to my eyes. Just remembering those good times we had. Speaker 3: 03:12 Okay, let's, let's, okay. And let's see in here. I didn't look in your thing. I don't know. That's my little sister Lely. She empties a Manila envelope of letters onto the couch and picks up an old piece of black construction paper. Oh it was father's day in school site. I made him a tie. I kind of get sad cause like everyone was like, I'm going to go home and give this to my dad and I would see the other kids giving the ties to their dad after school. And then I had to send mine in the mail. We continue sifting through the small pile looking at the faded yellow paper with my dad's immaculate handwriting envelopes with stamps of angels and ballerinas. Cartoon, Minnie mouse and Winnie the Pooh. Well, right now I've been going to this thing where I'm kind of angry at him. He, his whole life was just this like half evil, half good person and I feel like I want to cry, but I can't because I'm too prideful because I'm like, why am I going to cry over somebody who didn't cry over me? But do you know? Do you know that I know he cried over him because I see all these letters. I just feel like maybe it affected me that I felt like I wasn't worth it. Speaker 6: 04:35 Yeah, Speaker 4: 04:41 it's my first year of high school. I'm going to football games, hanging out with my friends, having crushes, doing well in school. On the outside I seemed fine, but inside Speaker 7: 04:58 December, 2001 I don't even know you dad. It's hard for me to tell if you're on drugs are coming down from them or if this is actually my dad without drugs. I love you so much and no matter what, I'm going to love you, but it's hard for me to just watch you hurt yourself, your life, your health and your future. Speaker 5: 05:21 December, 2001 I'm tired to live in like I've been living in. You're right. I do need to change. I really don't mean to hurt you or make you sad intentionally and I'm sorry that I have, I'm very sorry princess and I hope that you can forgive me. I do love you very much in the last thing I want to do is hurt you. Speaker 4: 05:49 My Dad's habitual incarceration began when he was 13 he went to youth authority for robbing liquor stores at gunpoint. Why a is the juvenile version of prison? Speaker 8: 06:01 Not right now. Mom, can you call it Burma so we don't get into that one. Speaker 3: 06:06 That's my older brother. No, his name is also Ben. We sit in my mom's dining room exchanging silly glances and nervous laughter as I get ready to record our interview Speaker 8: 06:16 and so once he went to [inaudible] he became corrupted, indoctrinated into the gang culture. Speaker 3: 06:22 My brother grew up immersed in gang culture as well. His friends or cousins or neighbors, even the people at our church all had gang affiliations. At first my dad tried to keep him away from this lifestyle. Speaker 8: 06:37 First of all, I was already going the wrong way at 13 you know, running with gangs, doing drugs, blah, blah blah. And then sold this gang program came around offering free boxing, you know, two kids at risk. But he forced me kind of almost to beat boxing. He was there, I boxing practice when we'll go out of town. He was there. He was almost like your regular dad. Speaker 3: 06:59 When my brother was 22 their relationship changed. They started to roll the streets and even use drugs together Speaker 8: 07:08 the first time. Was that weird? And I'm kind of giving you vague memories. I'm sure it kind of felt at least halfway funny like smoking no weed or drinking a beer, but like smoking crystal with your dad. He, that's weird. You know? So, yeah. But once we got off that first time or second time, I'm sure it wasn't, it was no being, you know, definitely wasn't weird. Speaker 3: 07:26 But like, when was it clear that he had an addiction Speaker 8: 07:29 for not having a job? You always had a place to stay, you know, cause he always did what he gotta do. But yeah, I don't remember who it was about I guess 44. And then he was a sleeping in a car with his new wife, Laura. But, uh, he say, you know, I'm tired of going to prison. I'm tired of going to prison. I hate prison. I hate the way it smells, hate the way it looks. I hate the people that are in there. I hate everything about it. But I just made the assumption that, uh, he would rather be homeless on the streets, dirty and stinky. Then in prison, Speaker 4: 08:13 it's my last year of high school and I decided to go live with my grandmother. I need to get away from my family. My brothers, math paranoia's scares me and my mom won't stop nagging me about God. Speaker 7: 08:26 September, 2004 sometimes I think I'm okay and I'm used to you not being around. And then there's times where I'll just start crying because he catches up to me. And it hits me that I do miss you very much. I just keep trying to hold it in and be strong. No matter how many times do you go to jail. It hurts me every time. Speaker 8: 08:52 August, 2004 there's one time I remember Speaker 5: 08:56 so clearly it was a time we went to Disney. Man, I can still remember you jump in saying, Look Daddy, look at me. I'm smiling as I write this down, but at the same time, my eyes are tearing up. I'm so tired, princess of wasting precious time away from you and places like this, but this is it. This is my last time. I'm not giving any more of my life to this system. Speaker 3: 09:28 I visited my dad a few times when he was locked up and Donovan, it was close to where we lived in San Diego. Other times he was in prison up north, so it was too far for us to go. Speaker 6: 09:40 Hm. Speaker 3: 09:41 My mom says my dad never liked us visiting him anyways. He didn't want us to see him like that. Speaker 9: 09:46 And if I tell you that I'm not, don't want to talk about it. Respect that. That's my mom. Keep Patricia in another way. We sit closely at a table, but her gaze is distant. Well, I might ask you why you don't want to talk about it and I might say, I just don't feel like it or that it's none of your business. What I'm asking you because it's affected everybody. You're asking me, you know, when did you know that your dad, you know, was you know, having a problem and things like that. It's like, you know, not only did your dad have problems, I had problems to my mom and dad had known each other since they were 16 both of them had been abused by their families and those kinds of things connected us and tied us together. And so he would come over sometimes hurt because he got beat up by his dad. If I remember, I remember a lot of rainy nights did he cook? Speaker 9: 10:45 And so you always do that. I'd like to seven up, it'll beef jerky and so he would bring me a seven up in a beef jerky or we would just cruise around. I think sometimes it probably even had my pajamas on. And in what ways do you think that dad was a good husband, a good father, if at all? He was a good father because he likes spending time with his kids. He loved to go and hear about your report card if they're going to be in a play, if they're going to be in a choir, he wanted to be there. When it came to being a good husband, that was a lot more difficult for him. Speaker 3: 11:19 When my parents were married, my dad physically abused my mom, some of which I witnessed. But mostly I remember crying in the closet with my sister. My parents divorced when I was 10 years old and I never questioned why. Speaker 9: 11:35 You know, he would tell me that he didn't want to be that angry person. And so I think too, um, capture that angry person. He would use drugs to sedate itself. And maybe that's what he, the only thing he thought he could control his anger. Speaker 3: 11:53 My Mom says Heroin Melad my dad out. But when he started using meth, he became even more violent. She decided to leave him after that. He continued to use both after they separated. Speaker 9: 12:06 I know that he still loved his kids, but he just wasn't just something was missing. It almost seemed like his soul was completely, um, swallowed up by the drugs. I Dunno if he realized it too, but in a lot of his later years, pitchers, he was his filing anymore. You had a sad look on his face. How would you explain that? Like what is, what is that essence in him that was drowned? His gentle, quiet spirit that he had when he was sober and clean and, and after you guys were divorced, did you ever see that again? I think the last time I seen that was when he was in his casket. Speaker 2: 13:06 [inaudible] Speaker 10: 13:07 October, 2007. Missy, if I haven't already, I would like to say I'm sorry for hurting you in the past. I hope that one day you'll be able to find it in your heart to forgive me so that we'll be able to get back to a normal relationship with one another. Listen, Melissa, I'm your Daddy. I love you. Nothing will ever change that. It will be nice to hear from you, but if for some reason you don't have time to write back, I understand. Speaker 2: 13:43 [inaudible] Speaker 3: 13:44 he sent this letter to me for my 20th birthday, but I never did write him back. I didn't want to have anything to do with him. Two months later, he died. Only a day after he was released from prison. He had a heart attack from doing both meth and heroin. The people he was with dragged his dying body to nearby alley, left for dead like a stray dog. A man saw what happened and called an ambulance and at 9:55 PM alone in the hospital, my dad was pronounced dead. He was 47 Speaker 2: 14:35 [inaudible] Speaker 3: 14:35 even though it's been almost 12 years since his death. Same old confusing mix of anger and sadness started to resurface. But in the process of doing this story, I discovered a message from my dad, a treasure in my archive of letters. Speaker 5: 14:54 When I don't remember, September, 2004 after I started reading your letter, I started to cry. Even my celly tripped out on me. I told them that the only people in this world that can write a letter to me and touched me in such a special way that'll make me cry on my two daughters and my mother. Thank you for being new princess and that very sweet, special person that God bless you to be. I'm so proud and blessed to have you for my daughter. You write and express yourself very well and also speak well. Have you ever thought of being a writer of some sort of journalists or something? Speaker 3: 15:31 I read this alone in my room laughing and crying all at once because my dad didn't just love me. He knew my path even before I did and yes, I'm still mad at him, but that's okay. I've accepted the fact that making peace with him, his life, his choices is a constant process. One name, he never fully understand. My Dad was in all good, but he wasn't all bad either and I still love him all the same. I'm gonna go back and say now where to find to see if I'm missing Speaker 2: 16:17 [inaudible]. Speaker 3: 16:18 I'm Melissa Duenas. Speaker 1: 16:24 Melissa Duenas produced that story as part of an advanced radio class at the USC Annenberg School for Communication and journalism. Mark Nieto compose the original music and the story first aired on the California report magazine. Speaker 6: 16:39 Oh.