Developing identity in a digital world
S1: I'm Andrew Bracken and this is Screen Time , featuring conversations about technology and kids in today's digital age. The teenage years are a time of immense change and growth for young people. They're also crucial for a child's journey to developing their own sense of identity. And today , that's happening in a heavily mediated world.
S2: The things that kids are struggling with now is the same things that they've always struggled with. It's just the tools that they have available to them are so much greater.
S1: That's Robert Thiele. He's a clinical psychologist who treats many young people struggling with electronic use disorders.
S2: That's kind of scary for our families. And it's looked differently , too. In past years , kids were very focused on the family and up until about the age of 12 or 13. They tend to be , you know , who they are , is their family of origin. You know , they think the same things. They have the same beliefs. And right around the 12 or 13 year olds , there's this tipping point of what do I think , independent of my family. What do I like independent of my family ? A nine year old. If dad is a huge soccer player and into soccer , they like soccer. That's who they are. However , they get to differentiate. And when it comes to social media , when we look at the way children use social media , we start seeing a shift around the age of 12 or 13 to a point of their use of social media is around identity development and connection. Social media and online environments create a very , very rich atmosphere for identity development.
S1: I mean , as you mentioned there , that's a real crucial time of developing identity. Even putting social media and technology aside. Yeah.
S2: You know , we feel accomplished when we come across problems that we're able to solve. A term in developmental Mental psychology is a zone of proximal development. And what that means is we're trying to give them problems that are just right outside of their ability and competency. So creating challenges , creating opportunities , creating learning environments where kids are , if they put in a little bit of effort , they're able to solve the task , solve the problem. And that gives a sense of accomplishment. And that's very important for identity development , because identity development is an intrinsic and an extrinsic process , extrinsic in the way that if you're my math teacher and you tell me , oh , Robbie , you're so good at math , I'm going to likely incorporate that into my identity. However , I also get to choose. I'm funny , I'm smart. I'm any of these attributes , which also is an intrinsic process. I'm internally choosing my identity. So one of those factors you you mentioned that is important for identity development is feelings of accomplishment because kids really chase that.
S1: And we hear a lot about this , you know , intrinsic motivation versus extrinsic. You want your kids to develop their own sense of motivation.
S2: You know , a parent coming along saying you have to play a sport , but you can choose what sport that is. You know , you're going to to learn a musical instrument , but you get to choose what that is. That choice component really helps kids get buy in. And the reality of the situation is , is that oftentimes when it comes to parenting , the knows the times that parents say no when they set limits is actually the times that are the most helpful for kids over the yeses. So a parent saying no , you have to do something. You get to choose what it is. If you don't choose , I'm going to choose for you. But you get the choice. But this is happening. You know , whether that be around limits to social media use or video game use , whether it be forced , community connection. All of these are really important.
S1: You know , one thing you've mentioned is when talking about technology and electronic use is it's not just the amount of time. Although that may be a factor , but it's also the nature of these online interactions and how much they matter.
S2: There is the types of teenagers and young adults that are heavily on social media , but it is purely a tool of connection. They want to stay connected. They want to stay relevant. Um , you know , being connected to friendships and communities is is really important. And their use might be seen as problematic , but just because they're on it a lot and they're constantly texting and communicating. However , there's another demographic. And this is really where I'm , I'm kind of classifying the addicted category , where their identity is wrapped up in their social media identity. So an electronic self-representation or an avatar has been created , and that avatar is a vehicle for community , for social connection , for for identity , for value. And it's not them that is being seen as positive. It's the avatar. And if I lose that avatar , if I lose that self-representation , I lose my value , I lose my relevancy. I lose my my connection and my community to others. And the scary thing about that is , is that an avatar is not a durable commodity , which means that if it is not constantly invested into. If I don't constantly post on my social media , if I don't constantly play the game that avatar and hence me becomes irrelevant , I lose my value. I lose my social standing. I lose my community. And that's really a shift that parents want to pay attention to or be aware of. Is is my kid investing into durable assets versus non durable assets ? Durable assets when it comes to identity are the skills that we develop , the knowledge that we create. Whereas a non durable asset for these kids is a profile on a video game or a social media page , because if it isn't constantly invested into it becomes irrelevant.
S1: So you mentioned this time of of a child's life is really about developing this self-identity. And what I'm hearing , you know , talking about more problematic use of investing , too much of their identity into these , you know , whether they're social networks or video games. How do you tackle that with patients about handling your identity in a healthy way , and maybe having , you know , some perspective of this online space that you may be socially invested in ? Yeah.
S2: The first thing is there has to be a degree of diversification of identity. You know , if all of my eggs are in one basket , I personally become less resilient. My identity is less resilient individuals , where their whole identity is wrapped around 1 or 2 things , have a higher propensity for depression , anxiousness , and a lot of other psychopathology. So diversifying is important. However , that's a lot easier said than done , right ? We have reached the first time in history where parental attention is less desirable. Not the king. Attention on electronics is , you know , you'll talk to a lot of kids where they would prefer to be on the games than have the attention of their parents. Even nine year olds , six year olds would rather be on a tablet , rather be connected to electronics than have the one on one attention of their parents. So as a parent , I want to create a diverse identity for my kids. I want to give them lots of experiences and make them as resilient as possible. But today , that's a lot harder to do because the electronics are more motivating in a lot of cases than one on one time with parents.
S1:
S2: Every show , every walk in the park is potentially a learning opportunity so parents can get involved with their kids and help them build some of these resiliency without totally separating them from the electronics. An example of that would be children who play video games. Now when they come across a problem they can't immediately solve. Just go on the internet and just they get the answer. You know , there's tons of of other players that just put out the answers for them. And that has the tendency of reducing problem solving , resiliency , confidence. Um , so parents can even just be involved in the respect of asking about the problems that the kids are facing on a video game. It seems like you're stuck. Let's figure it out together. Or , you know , let's commit. I know one dad who , um , has committed to playing a video game with his kids , but they started off with the commitment of , we're not going to look up any of the answers. We're going to solve it together. And that created a teamwork aspect. It created a an environment where the kid did come across problems , struggle with them for a little while , and then overcome even the distress tolerance of kids solving problems and doing uncomfortable things. We as parents want to look for as many of those as possible And not solve them for the kid , but sit with them in their distress. That's definitely something that parents can help their kids actively do. Not solve it , but just sit with them while they struggle with the problem. Really important. And that helps create that bond social bond between kids and parents that helps increase the parental attention , the value that the kids see.
S1: You can find more resources on all things Kids in Tech at our website , KPBS. Meantime , what questions do you have when it comes to your kids and screens ? My email is Screen Time at KPBS. I'm Andrew Bracken. Thanks for listening.
