Story Of Murder In San Diego Inspires Book On Forgiveness

This is KPBS midday edition, I am Maureen Cavanaugh. Don't get mad, get even, revenge is a dish best served cold. Getting angry and staying that way, plotting revenge and never forgetting of flights. These are standard survival techniques for many people. What is seldom discussed the consequences of holding onto anger. It can make you sick introduce more violence in the wall. It can even cause water. I skeptical journalist is taking on the subject of letting go of anger and replacing it with forgiveness. Just come to that lesson with the help of a man whose own story has become part of San Diego history. Joining me are Megan Feldman Bettencourt, author, "Triumph of the Heart: Forgiveness in an Unforgiving World" and Azim Khamisa, founder, Tariq Khamisa Foundation. Most San Diegan's are aware of the story of the murder of a seems son to wreak. When you met him on assignment, what did you know about him? I knew he had forgiven the man who murdered his only son. I knew he started his foundation to prevent violence. What I wanted to know was how? How he did that, why, and what the implications were for the rest of us? Azim game -- came to the realization that there were two victims on both ends of the gun. For many people, giving up resentments doesn't come quickly. Did you have to be convinced that forgiveness was a good thing? Yes. I've always been more of a grudge holder by nature. As mentioned, also a bit skeptical. I saw the importance and the possibility of forgiveness. I had to be convinced because it does not come naturally to me. As I got to know Azim and learned historic, and a scientific research that shows how to handle anger is to our bodies and moods, I was very intrigued and convinced that this was a worthwhile an important and I wanted to know more. Azim, San Diegan's have followed your story from the 1995 shooting death of her son while he was working as a police are -- pizza delivery man. Does it surprise you that people are still baffled I your ability to forgive? Yes, I think forgiveness is not very well understood in our culture. The tendency is to go the other way. When I made the choice to forgive 20 years ago, instead of going the other way, -- I did not know at that time everything that would manifest in those 20 years. Besides my foundation, the young man that killed my son is now 34. I've written four books in my first one was from murder to forgiveness and then forgiveness to fulfillment. I just finished a book called Fulton meant to peace. It's a twenty-year journey, a trilogy. The child who killed my son wrote the forward to this last book. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself. I think the biggest impediments to that is in our need to judge everything. A lot of people think if they give up their resentments an anchor, they will give up their sense of what is right and wrong. It would give up their sense of justice. Can you believe in justice -- punishment and forgiveness. I think punishment for justice sake of the crime is in my opinion barbaric. I took the best part of a civil society. I think punishment is appropriate if you're going to restore the offender. I think in terms of restorative justice, I speak a lot on that, the idea there is you are not only making of the victim whole but you also return the perpetrator back to society as a functioning and contribute member. It's not possible to do that hundred percent of the time in my programs were able to return 70% of the programs back into society. When they come back, they do good work. We use several offenders as panelists in the foundation. They're passionate making sure other young people don't follow in their footsteps. Your book is a very personal one, Megan. You relate your own experiences of holding grudges. How did you begin to let those resentments go? When I met Azim, I was at a low point in professionally and personally. Was frustrated about the direction journalism have taken as an industry. Had gone through a gift and was bitter about it. As I began -- the first step was realizing awareness that maintaining these grudges was not positive. Beginning with that awareness, I started to practice things like mindfulness and mindfulness meditation which is really about being in the present moment. Recognizing my feelings in honoring them without resisting or judging myself for having them but noticing them. And letting them be. It has a powerful effect because for me it allowed me to let it go whereas before I was constantly judging myself about being upset being angry. Ironically that that had the effect of keeping in place. You can define yourself by the anger you have in the resentments you have. A lot of people in different cultures do that. We are the people who don't like those people. How does that factor out if your book? I think it comes down to the question of what kind of world we would like to live in. What kind of day-to-day life would be like to have? Do we want to be constantly angry? Do we want to be in conflict with people, do we want to be ill? Most people would say no. We want to live in a world where constantly discussed in the aftermath the shootings? I think you people were asked, they would say no. If we can get people and groups to see which is what I was exploring in the book, if we can get groups to see what they want is actually peace in a harmonious existence, we can start to implement these practices that facilitate the seeking in granting of forgiveness and they worked to prevent violence. Azim, there is a phrase, forgive and forget. Should people do both? There are many myths like that that make sense. How can you forget you lost a son? It's not about that at all. Forgiveness doesn't necessarily change the past but it does change the future. If you stay with resentments, who are you reading? Mandel it didn't write to the quote but he made famous, resentment is like taking place in waiting for your enemy to die. I never quite get over losing my son, it's very complicated for a parent but I can learn to live with it. Forgiveness it doesn't say you have to condone what happened. It's really about you because you don't want this meager important real estate of your psyche occupied by somebody who has harmed you. Why not to forgive so bluff enjoy can live there? As you say, this is a process you are embarking on is forgiveness itself a process? I can't imagine is not just a one-off, I forgive you, it must be something you have to learn to do if somebody has wronged you deeply. It's not only a process, it's also a practice. Every morning when I meditate, I read something is inspiring and I forgive Tony. I forgiveness muscle is strong. You have to practice it. If someone crosses you on the freeway there's no reason to get all anger decided to send blessings. I think once you start to practice it, you see your life is more in the full. In your book, child of the heart, -- "Triumph of the Heart: Forgiveness in an Unforgiving World", there are a lot of anecdotal instances, you meet people who have forgiven people who committed terrible acts against them. Is also practical advice about how people can start to forgive? Yes. As a profile people who had forgiven parents for things they in small. As a profiled couples about the role of forgiveness in intimate relationships, as I talk to people in Rwanda, survivors and perpetrators, of genocide, I was selfishly collecting techniques and practices. From all different sources. Scientific experts, experts and people themselves in my book. I have a lot of compilations of forgiveness practices as an appendix in the book. Azim, what do you think your life might have been life -- like if you hadn't been able to be forgive. I don't think I would be alive. Many parents can't bounce back. My son's fiancée, my entire family for gave Tony, and she could not. She was angry with me telling me how can you forgive Tony, he killed your son. My response was I'm going to leave Tony to the higher power. I don't want to go through life in recent and an anchor. After he died, I had no life. I wanted that full life back. I recognize if I didn't forget, I would remain a victim and is no quality of life in that's. In many ways I like this life better, not that I wouldn't want him back but this is about saving lives of kids. His fiancée was never able to bounce back. She stayed angry and got into drugs and seven years later she committed suicide through overdose. I worked very hard to help her forgive. It's very difficult for some people. Yes. If I had gone -- to me what I did was the right choice for me. I have talked to hundreds of kids. It was the right choice for me now because I have been able to help so many kids that I have grown from this decision in a spiritual way. I met a level of peace today that I never have been. I feel as a result of my decision to forgive the work I had done, I could now be more in the flow of life. How people reacted to your book? I have had people say the book is timely for them because what they are dealing with, whether it's a divorce, and say the book has been really helpful. Other people who are dealing with parental issues, trying to forgive parents for really difficult situations. A lot of interpersonal things and also people who have experienced violence. I hear a lot from people who have found it helpful, particularly to tease out these misconceptions about forgiveness that is mentioned. This is only a little bit that we have been talking about here. Make it will be speaking about her book, "Triumph of the Heart: Forgiveness in an Unforgiving World", at Warwick's in La Jolla at 730. I've also been speaking with Azim Khamisa, founder, Tariq Khamisa Foundation. Thank you both very much.