A quick note: This piece uses the word "queer" as an inclusive term for those who fall outside of cisgender or heterosexual identities. While "queer" can have many applications outside of gender or sexuality, this piece mainly uses it in reference to these categories.
Jolie Elins, 25, can pinpoint the exact moment she found her queer community: at a queer line dance night called Stud Country in Los Angeles a couple years ago.
Amid a sea of cowboy boots and fishnets, Elins says they loved the feeling of stomping in unison alongside other "queer people who wanted to do this weird, niche thing."
"It was a very clear new chapter of my life where I could explore my queerness around people like me," they say. Elins, who lives in New York City, now goes line dancing with her friends multiple times a week.
Whether it's at a line dance night, kickball league, book club or bar, being part of a queer community can be affirming, especially for those coming into a new gender identity or sexuality, says Elsa Lau, a clinical psychologist who runs a support group for queer professionals.
"When you're in a space where people are actively cheering for you because they see a part of themselves in you, it makes those things feel more real in your body," Lau says.
It may also provide a network of support for those struggling with feelings of shame, grief or anger around their queer identity, Lau adds.
If you're curious about joining a space that can make you feel at home in your queerness, queer organizers share advice.
It's OK to have impostor syndrome
If you've just started exploring your queer identity, it can be intimidating to join a queer network or enter a queer space, says Sasha Jones, CEO of Cuties, an organization based in Los Angeles that creates events for queer people of color.
"The hardest part is the negative self-talk, the imposter syndrome. The 'I don't know if I'm queer enough,' " Jones says. Newcomers can get hung up on where to go, what to wear and how to act in these places.
But that fear "is society getting in the way of us living in our truth," Jones says. So give yourself some grace. "There's no right or wrong way to be queer."
Narrow down what you're looking for …
Just because members of a community have the same queer identity as you doesn't mean you'll connect, Lau says. "They may have some shared experiences, but they could have different careers, be in a different phase of life or have drastically different values."
You may want to spend time with people who have the same racial or ethnic identity, disability, neurotype or common values. Or you may want to spend time with people who share the same hobbies and interests, like cooking, mahjong or rock climbing.
So "search for exactly what you're looking for," Jones says. It could be as simple as looking up "Black queer events" or "sports events for trans folks" in your area. She recommends using Reddit, Instagram or another social media platform as a database.
… or try something new
At the same time, cast a wide net. Your strongest connections may end up springing from something you've never considered, like queer bowling or a queer zine-making night. Follow your curiosity, says Jones.
Sean Monaghan, co-founder of Stud Country, often sees this dynamic at his dance nights. "There are so many examples of people who had zero dance experience and two left feet. Now they're some of the best dancers at the party."
Ask a queer friend to join you
If you're nervous about attending a queer event for the first time, don't be afraid to ask for some company, Monaghan says. "Ask someone to go to a gay bar with you."
And remember, "nobody knows anything about you walking into a space," Jones says. "They don't know if you came out yesterday."
Create your own space
If you've gone to a few different queer events and none have felt like your vibe, that's OK. "Create the space you want to see," says Maya Satya Reddy, founder of Queer Asian Social Club.
When Reddy graduated from college, she struggled to find fellow queer Asian people. She wanted a space separate from other mainstream queer spaces, which can be majority white, cisgender or specific to gay men.
So she began reaching out to other queer organizers of color in San Diego, Calif., where she was living. Soon, her own organization got off the ground. As a result, Reddy says, "I'm no longer feeling invisible."
If you have the itch to start a space of your own, "just do it," Reddy says. "Cold email people. Cold direct message people. It doesn't have to be perfect."
Trust the process
Don't get discouraged if you can't find the right queer network in your area. Remember that community can take many forms, says Dheivanai Moorthy, steward of Bluestockings Cooperative Bookstore. Link up with queer folks on social media or in an online forum. Or read books or poetry by queer authors to feel a sense of connection.
No matter where you search for your people, know you will eventually find them. "Queer and trans people are not going anywhere," says Moorthy. "We've been here forever."
The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We'd love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.
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