“I’m not the best at drawing!” my 4-year-old cried, wiping away tears. He and his sister were drawing pictures, and then he attempted to write “Daddy” at the bottom of the page with my guidance. He found it particularly upsetting that his letter “y” came out looking like an “x” and his “d” resembled a “p” because, well, learning to write is hard.
Of course, I came over to give him a hug and a little pep talk: “This is hard, but I know you can do it! Writing and drawing takes a lot of practice and perseverance to learn. I’m so proud of you for trying!”
My kids have many talents. I’m constantly amazed by what they are doing and accomplishing, but they don’t always see it the same way. Almost everything they encounter seems like a new challenge, sometimes easily conquered and other times a long and tedious process of learning. Through each new experience or problem, I encourage them, but unsuccessful attempts still feel like failure in their eyes.
Here are four ways to work through failure with your kids:
1. Learn through mistakes
In one of our favorite shows, “Xavier Riddle and the Secret Museum,” the main characters travel back in time to visit different people in history. When Xavier meets the Wright Brothers, they tell him “mistakes help you learn,” as they continue to try and fail at flying a plane before finally becoming successful. Identifying mistakes as a learning opportunity with your child reframes it positively and helps them to move forward.
Mistakes don’t have to be a bad thing. Whether it’s spilled milk at breakfast or a fallen tower of blocks, this helpful tune from “Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood” is a great reminder to tell us what to do next. “It’s okay to make mistakes! Try to fix them, and learn from them, too!” It’s a two-step process to move forward. Instead of only focusing on fixing the mistake or adapting, also ask, “What can we learn from this mistake?”
2. Ask questions together
In one episode of “Elinor Wonders Why,” Elinor, Ari, and Olive are trying to build a fast race car by replicating someone else’s. They try painting it, adding a cupholder, and changing the shape, each time asking: What’s different? What’s similar? Will this work? What other examples can we learn from? They take notes by drawing pictures of their observations along the way until they reach a conclusion. If your child is struggling to make sense of something, ask questions to promote critical thinking. This not only changes the way they think about the challenge, but it also fosters conversation between you as they tackle it.
3. Try new things
Failure might happen when trying something for the first time, which can feel discouraging or frustrating. Without prior experience, there are a lot of “what-ifs” or unmet expectations. In an episode of “Molly of Denali,” Molly wants to compete in the Native Youth Olympics like her dad, but is sad to find she isn’t good at the high kick like he was. Instead of giving up, she keeps trying different events to find one she does well. As fun as it is when my kids like the same activities I enjoy, finding something that suits their unique strengths and interests is even better. To get there, try and discover new things together, claiming it as an adventure rather than a failure if it doesn’t go as planned. If one thing doesn’t work out, explain that it’s an opportunity to try something else.
4. Practice and persevere
Sometimes our kids aren’t making a mistake or trying something new, but simply still learning and developing. In the “Fastest Fetcher” episode of “Donkey Hodie,” Bob Dog is fetching a ball as fast as he can but is still outrun by the turtle. He tries and tries, but just can’t keep up. Instead of quitting for good, Donkey Hodie reminds him that it’s not always about being the best, but about loving what you do. When your kids are struggling to master something, remind them why they’re doing it. Is it for fun? Is it working towards a bigger goal? Help them to see beyond the tough parts and motivate them to keep at it.
In learning and exploring, we’re all going to face challenges — that’s a part of life. Every episode of “Peg + Cat” inevitably reaches the point where Peg exclaims, “We’ve got a really big problem!” Kids need to know that problems are okay and to be expected. Instead of resisting challenges or new things out of fear of failure, encourage your kids to embrace challenges and even the possibility of failure. Whether it’s a math problem, an interpersonal problem, or a persistence problem, we all need to work together to figure out
