S1: Welcome in San Diego. It's Andrew Bowen in for Jade Hindman on today's show. Mutual aid groups step up with resources for families struggling during the holiday season and how to manage family conflict over the holidays. This is KPBS Midday Edition. Connecting our communities through conversation. Thanksgiving is just around the corner , and while the holidays are an opportunity to give thanks , the recent government shutdown , funding cuts and skyrocketing costs have made times tough for many San Diegans. Food insecurity , in particular has been top of mind , especially with the recent back and forth over Snap , the country's biggest anti hunger program. Although Snap benefits are fully restored , food banks , pantries and other local groups are still seeing a surge in demand. Plus , some families are worried they might still lose access to assistance after the Trump administration introduced expanded work requirements under its one bit one Big Beautiful spending bill. Amid all this uncertainty , mutual aid groups are stepping up to fill the gaps. Nikka Mary Jane Hermosillo Vanilla is the founder and CEO of Feeding Diego , a local mutual aid group addressing food insecurity in our region. Aneka Mary Jane , welcome to midday. Hi.
S2: Hi.
S1: Thank you.
S2: We were stuck at home during the pandemic , as all of us were. I had to come home from college and I was with them all day doing zoom online classes. There was really nothing to do , so I decided that we were going to start an activity that I used to do with my dad and my grandparents , where we would feed the homeless , but obviously we had to take a lot of precautions. So during the day when we had a break between our classes , my younger siblings and I , my brother was like four at the time , would put together all these sandwich bags or other resources that we could put together , like sandwiches with the snack or hygiene products , extra masks we had laying around , and then at night after they went to bed , I would distribute them with all my friends. At the time , I didn't realize what I was doing was mutual aid. I just thought I was filling a gap that I saw in my community , and I wanted all my friends and family to be a part of it in whatever capacity they were comfortable with. So from there , it grew into scholarships for anybody in San Diego , no matter what schooling they were in , whether it was trade school or kindergarten , anybody could apply. And it was a cash scholarship scholarship. And then we also focus a lot on food insecurity during the holidays. And just throughout the year , we tried to find creative ways to fulfill the needs of our community. Hmm. Mhm.
S1: Hmm. Mhm. So can you talk more about mutual aid. You said you were doing it and you didn't even realize that it was mutual aid. But what is mutual aid and how is it different from other types of assistance or charity.
S2: So the main idea of mutual aid is that it's solidarity , not charity. It's meaning like , if you need help today , I could help you now. And if I need help tomorrow , you'll help me also. It's basically what I was raised on. It's what most first generation kids learn at a very young age , is that we come together to help each other in whatever capacity , because today it's you. But tomorrow it's going to be me , and I don't ever expect anything in return. But as I started to grow this platform in the community , I realized that people were helping each other in ways that I never foresaw , for example , jobs or creative outlets , and designing flyers or T-shirts so we could get the word out there. There's just so many ways that we've all come together and helped each other to build this platform and also to uplift each other. And that's really the history of mutual aid. It's finding a way to fill the gap , carrying each other up and making sure we have each other's backs at all times.
S1: So we were talking about Snap during the government shutdown and how that assistance was limited.
S2: So I wasn't affected in terms of my business because I've always been operating without that assistance. But I did realize that there was a huge influx of families and people I never met before in my last five years of doing this , who now needed the assistance anywhere they could find it. Because the food banks were empty. There was no money on their EBT cards and they were just looking for anything for Thanksgiving.
S1: And of course , even snap doesn't reach all of the people who need food assistance , assistance. And that's where a mutual aid group like yours can fill in the gaps , right ? Yeah.
S2: So the nonprofit industry is funded by the government. So the idea is , is that the government is aware of these gaps that we have in the world , and they're allowing these nonprofits and funding them to fulfill the gaps that they're unable , quote unquote , to fill themselves. Where mutual aid comes in is that we are just recognizing what's going on in our community , and we're working with the community to fulfill those gaps. So today it's going to be groceries , but tomorrow it could be anything else. It could be clothes , it could be hygiene products. And that's the difference , right ? There's more flexibility , I would say , in the work that I do. And because I don't have any constraints and I don't have any limitations , I'm able to be flexible with my community and meet the needs as they change every single day , which is like today. The snap was closed , so we had to figure it out and we had to come together.
S1:
S2: So one of the biggest things in the beginning that was the biggest challenge was explaining to people why I care. Because that's always everyone's first question , right ? Like , why are why are you even doing this ? Like I don't understand. And it's just like at the end of the day , I'm doing it because I know that we all need each other's help at some point. Every American is 1 or 2 paycheck away from becoming homeless or , you know , losing their jobs could change your entire life. And I just don't want people in my community to feel that way. Like there's no one they can rely on. There's nobody out there who can help them outside of the nonprofits. That's why I'm here. And so the biggest challenge is explaining to people that that's why I care , because I'm aware of how much I'm blessed with and how much things can change overnight. Yeah.
S1: Yeah. You held a Thanksgiving event recently. Can you tell me about that ? Yeah.
S2: So we partnered with Lincoln High School , and we were able to feed over 100 families this Thanksgiving. And we did that with , again , small local based donations and a bunch of organizations came out. A lot of students came out to help us build the baskets. And then we had our usual feeding day go volunteers deliver them to families all over San Diego. It's really great to see students and our normal volunteers come together because it's this wonderful , like learning process of teaching them how to serve their community and also learning from their perspective as kids. Because sometimes we get too serious , sometimes we get , you know , to focus on the negative. So it's really nice to be surrounded by a young group of individuals who can remind us , okay , this is why we started this. I was your age when I started this program , and it's nice to feel the positive in those moments. So it was a great day. We were able to feed over 100 families. Um , and this Christmas , actually on December 14th , we'll be doing a similar event , but instead of delivering baskets of groceries , we'll be having what's kind of similar to a swap meet. But it's a mutual aid mall where everything is completely free. So think of everything you'll see at a swap meet. But it's all free and anyone is welcome to come.
S1:
S2: Right now. Their biggest focus is delivering groceries to people who are currently hiding from ice. We have been doing that since the summertime here in San Diego as well. But our population , um , not to say it's not as big , but our population has found other resources where we don't have as large of a group of people who are looking for our resources in that way. But in the San Fernando Valley , they are serving hundreds of families through this mutual aid program that we're partnered with every single week , and they're all working together to continue fulfilling the needs.
S1: How has the current political climate impacted your work or has it at all ? I mean , this immigration enforcement , I imagine , makes it hard for people to even leave their homes if they're afraid of being arrested.
S2: Um , it has impacted us a lot. I would say one thing that makes us a mutual aid , again is we're able to rely on our community as organizers ourselves. So recently , one of our organizers , family members , has been taken by Ice. We were able to publicize the GoFundMe and other means of supporting his business while he's been away. And our community really came through. We fulfilled the needs of the GoFundMe , and we've also been able to raise a lot of awareness to the situation , especially as it's affecting our own organizers. But overall , I mean , we started this because of an issue that we were seeing in our government , in our policies. This was in 2020. So , I mean , again , we've just been watching this huge decline. All these issues come about every single day. It feels like. But when we have the events , these mutual aid events , we're able to remind ourselves that , yes , things are happening in the world. Yes , things are horrible , but we have each other and that's what matters most.
S1: You said that this is just how you're raised , that you just tell people.
S2: My dad was born in Mexico and my mom's family is from Sicily , so they immigrated here from completely different parts of the world. But it all remains the same that all immigrants , immigrants make America great. Really. And all together you come here to this new country and you're like , I don't know anybody. I'm only here with a few people I know , or I moved to San Diego. I'm meeting all these people for the first time. You have to create a whole new community , and you have to help each other and uplift each other. So my parents and my grandparents made it a huge point to always tell us , like , no matter what happens in the world , no matter what happens outside of the house , everyone is welcome at the table to eat with us. And we share and we enjoy in our community. And for example , every Sunday we had a huge Sunday dinner after church in the morning. So my grandfather , he would always tell me , we invite everyone and everyone is welcome to come because you never know what's going on in their own house. And this is our one time to enjoy a hot meal together that we put together as a family to help our community and to embrace each other.
S1: Maybe someone's listening right now who would love to volunteer with you or make a donation. Or maybe they need help themselves.
S2: We have that name because I'm a San Diego High alumni , and that's , you know , if you're from San Diego , you know , but if you search us on any platform , especially Instagram , you can get in contact with us. We're always open to any volunteers , to whatever level you're comfortable with. So that means if you're creative , if you're looking to get hands on , if you're just looking to make a donation or share post , we welcome all of that. And we support every other organization here in San Diego. So if it's not with us , we encourage you to do it at least with somebody. Mhm.
S1: Mhm. Well thank you so much for sharing your time with us. And best of luck to meeting the needs of the community during this Thanksgiving week. I've been speaking with Nikka. Mary Jane Hermosillo vanilla. She's the founder and CEO of Feeding Diego. We'll list any resources mentioned on our page at KPBS. Nick and Mary-Jane , thank you so much.
S2: Thank you so much. I had such a great time.
S1: Coming up anxious about conversations at the Thanksgiving table. We got you covered when KPBS Midday Edition returns. You're listening to KPBS Midday Edition. I'm Andrew Bowen in for Jade Hindman. On holidays like Thanksgiving. Families come together and joyfully share each other's company. At least that's what the greeting card version says. The reality is , family relationships are much more complicated. And holidays. Holidays , like Thanksgiving , can be a time when they are put to the test. One recent survey found that half of San Diegans say family is what stresses them out the most on holidays. Laurie Pizzo is the director of the Conscious Leadership Academy at the University of San Diego and a leadership coach , and she joins me now. Laurie , welcome to Midday Edition.
S3: Yeah , thanks for having me.
S1: So a lot of your work is in the workplace.
S3: Picking your battles , you know. Kind of learning how to regulate your emotions. Those show up in families. They show up in our personal relationships and they show up in organizations.
S1: And one challenge I think about spending time with family that you grew up with , that you share a lot of history with , is you can fall into past patterns of behavior. How can we avoid that trap ? Yeah.
S3: So I think one of the the first things that I , when I work with people and they're going home and stressed out is say , you know , you get to decide the version of yourself that you want to be. Um , we often fall back into those patterns where that younger sibling who has to defer to the older siblings , where that kid that was always criticized. Right. But you don't have to be that person anymore. So part of it is choose the version of yourself that you want to bring home for the holidays. You don't have to be who they expect. You don't have to be who you were. You can be grounded. You can be focused. You can be adult. You can be clear , you know. And if you don't choose that , then sometimes we revert. So be explicit about who you want to be.
S1: And conscious also of those patterns.
S3: Um , yeah. Yeah. And and don't criticize yourself if you notice. And oh , I get you know , I'm kind of getting sucked back into the dynamics of the family but then recognized.
S1: What should people be thinking about ? Yeah.
S3: So I think part of it is , you know , around that dinner table , pick your battles , you know , be conscious about the kinds of things that you know is going to derail the environment. So probably lay off politics. Some people may need to lay off sports. Who knows ? Right. You know your family best. Um , but not everything has to be a fight. Not everything has to be a response. Right ? So that'd be one thing. The other part is like , use what I call micro boundaries. So these are little ways to protect your space. So , you know , get up and change your location. Go outside and take a walk. Redirect the conversation or simply just don't engage. Right. That's a great way to say I'm not going to get hooked into what's going to become a big conflict. Um , create pockets of relief for yourself. You know , you don't have to engage 24 over seven the whole time. Figure out where you want to show up and then not. Right.
S1: Um , take a phone call from work. Exactly.
S3: Exactly. Sorry. I got to get this. Oh , that's my phone. Right. And then the biggest thing I think is this ability. And we see this in the workplace , too. So important with colleagues. But let people be who they are , and then you be who you are. I mean , that's the number one. Don't try to change somebody over this Thanksgiving holiday. You're not going to do it.
S1: You mentioned politics. And families like our country more broadly can be very divided on those issues. They could be cultural divisions , political divisions , generational divisions.
S3: I would maybe not focus on what divides you and focus on what unites you. Right. So where are the places where you have alignment ? Can you talk about the most fun family vacation you had growing up ? Can you talk about the most interesting thing you're all doing now ? I mean , we do have those commonalities , but we instead put our attention and let the conversation get focused on our differences. And that's kind of a recipe for disaster. So don't do that. Think about the places where you align and let your attention go there.
S1:
S3: And then you kind of show up into a space you're , you know , it's a bit set up for failure. So if you have a stressful travel experience , reset yourself. Right. Figure out how you can kind of plan for that travel , move through it , but then recognize if you're feeling , you know , stressed , tired and try to reset yourself from that travel in order to then engage with your family.
S1: And what are some ways that we could maybe bring some fun into a family environment that might be a little tense otherwise ? Yeah.
S3: I mean , are there things that you like to do ? And this is where you could go back to things that you did when you were a kid. What was the favorite game that you played then ? Can you play it now ? Are there new games you can play ? Are there things that you can do to put your attention on a fun activity ? You know , can you play just dance ? Can you play name that tune.
S1: But something somebody says something and we just can't stop ourselves from responding. And and the conversation might get off the rails. Are there ways that you can , you know , offer advice to to defusing those situations. Kind of making it a little. Yeah.
S3: Yeah , yeah. So one of the things that we do when we teach our conflict regulation and conflict management courses , we have this thing called Name It to tame it. So when you notice that there's something you say , you know what , let's stop. We really got off the rails and we're going down a direction that clearly is going to divide us. So you're naming it , you're naming what happened. You know what ? Right now I'm feeling hooked and angry , and I see that we're getting into an old pattern where we fought all the time , like so. If you can recognize it in the moment , disrupt it and disrupt it by naming what's happening and saying , this is what's happening , let's do something different. What you're doing is you're pausing that moment and instead of letting it continue to go off the rails , you're saying , let's stop. Let's be conscious , you know , and intentional about maybe we need to take a walk. Can we all take a breath ? And then let's steer this in a different direction.
S1: One of your main tips is to let people be who they are. Can you explain what that means and how we put that into practice ? Yeah.
S3: So , you know , we have so much expectations on other people. You know , and we we want they should be this way. They should do that. You know , and I say don't shoot on each other. You know , you don't want anybody to shit on you. Um , and so somebody might you want them to be more patient , but they just aren't. So it's fine. Like , it doesn't have to be a you problem. You know , somebody tells a story , and they put all these unnecessary details , and you're like , just get to the point already. Okay ? That's not a problem. You know , don't make those things a problem when they don't have to be. So let them be who they are. Have some acceptance. You know , give people some latitude to be. And then that will hopefully free up you to be who you are. Right. I mean , we just need to stop trying to change people because really , the only person you have full control over is yourself. So we waste a lot of effort and energy trying to change and shapeshift others , and it's just let that go. That's not worth your time , your energy or your effort.
S1: We sometimes hear this term emotional intelligence when we're talking about relationships , and I think I understand what it means , but it can be a very abstract concept. Can you help us understand what emotional intelligence is and how we can cultivate it in our daily lives ? Yes.
S3: So again , when we do our workshops , we break it into four parts. And so that's emotional awareness. I'm aware that I'm feeling something right. Emotional understanding I understand why I'm feeling what I'm feeling , where it comes from. And then there's this piece of resilience and regulation so I can have an emotion like that. Conversation goes off the rails. Somebody says something that is so politically , you know , against what I believe. And instead of snapping back , you know , reacting , I can pause and I can regulate myself. And I'm able to then notice that I'm a little bit hooked , but I'm not going to react. And then resilience. Right. So the ability to be resilient and bounce back from when you do have those emotional experiences. So those four things are kind of what we think about. And it really is emotional intelligence , which includes those four things , and emotional literacy. Being able to speak your emotions , um , other awareness. It really is about you being able to not let negative and extreme emotions derail you , or drive your bus down a road you don't want to go right. Having that control over your emotions , but without squashing the emotions. It's okay to say that comment really hurt my feelings. I'm really angry , but I can be really angry and I don't have to punch a wall , right ? It's that kind of regulation piece.
S1: Well , that was going to be my next question , which is , you know , sometimes we do feel like we have to say something because something might have hurt us , and holding that hurt inside us and not expressing it might make it worse. So what what is the best way to kind of communicate to a loved one when they've hurt you ? Yeah.
S3: Great question. It's own your own experience in that. So that comment really hurts my feelings and it makes me feel dismissed. When you bring up that political issue , you know , it's a tender spot for me and I feel really dismissed and unseen. So there's an ability to say it with calmness and not attacking the other person. You're such a jerk. You did this , but more. You made this comment. This is the impact on me and it doesn't feel good. And hopefully we love each other enough that then we can realize like , yeah , I'm so I didn't want to hurt you , you know ? I didn't mean to do that. And yes , let's again , we're disrupting that moment to talk about something else.
S1: So Thanksgiving is obviously a time for giving thanks. How can we put that giving thanks into action and into our relationships ? Yeah.
S3: So what's really great about the idea of gratitude is gratitude is what can grind us , ground us in the presence. Right ? So even though we may be totally different from our family as adults , even though maybe this would be , you know , we have this new family that we choose and we're going back to our family of origin. You can be grateful for the parts of what that did that family did give you. And so I think gratitude and recognizing what you're thankful for can help connect. And so that's why so many times around the tables , like everybody know what you're thankful for. And we roll our eyes right. Because we have to do that. But it's such a beautiful practice because if we can truly recognize like , wow , even though with all of this chaos and dysfunction , I'm thankful for this and this and this , and I can recognize that it just brings us into a different space.
S1: I've been speaking with Lori Sulpicians. She's a leadership coach and director of the Conscious Leadership Academy at the University of San Diego. Lori , thank you for being here and have a happy Thanksgiving. Thanks.
S3: Thanks. You too.
S1: And that's our show for today. I'm your host , Andrew Bowen in for Jade Hindman. Thanks for listening to Midday Edition. Have a great day.
