'Tis the season: Coping with holiday stress

S1: Welcome in San Diego. It's Jade Hindman on today's show. Advice on how to deal with holiday stress ? This is KPBS Midday Edition. Connecting our communities through conversation. It's the holiday season , a time when everyone is expected to be jolly and celebrate. But , you know , some people may not feel that way. Maybe you're stressed , depressed , or just thin on patience. If you are , it is okay. My next guest is here to help navigate some of those emotions. Jacob Sedan is here and associate marriage and family therapist with Mesa Vista. Jacob , welcome to the show. Hi.

S2: Hi. Thanks for having me.

S1: Glad to have you here. So a big theme this holiday season is expectations.

S2: Expectations about what the holidays should look like , what they have looked like and what we think that they should look like this season , really get into people's heads and in the way of them experiencing an authentic and good holiday season. Oftentimes people come in and they're stressed out about the way that things have been in the past , family roles and dynamics , especially when they think about going home to visit loved ones and the different things that that can bring up and that can really , really cause them trouble. And so what we often try and do at Short Mesa Vistas , encourage them to pause and ask themselves , what do I want this holiday season to look like ? And then again , what do I want this holiday season to look like , really ? And in that moment where they ask themselves , what do I really care about ? What do I really value ? What do I really treasure and want to experience during this time can bring a lot of clarity and can start to just , um , shed some of those shoulds that they may have placed on themselves or that have been placed on them by other people. Hmm.

S1:

S2: That's such a great question. Does it have to look like anything I think it needs or it should ? Here I am kind of violating my own rule. It should look and feel in a way , for you that's comfortable and authentic , whatever that looks like. And that's how it that's how I , I think it should look in that way.

S1: All right. Well , now financial stress is also a major factor here , especially in San Diego where , you know , the cost of living is is so high.

S2: We encourage people to kind of sit down and ask themselves what matters most ? Um , in my personal life , if I think back to the gifts that have been most meaningful to me , it's been something small , usually insignificant , but that really says that the person knows me and understands me. I think back to a keychain that I got as part of a a basket of gifts one year , and that keychain could not have been more than a few dollars , and it just was so meaningful. And so oftentimes people think that we have to go out and buy these lavish gifts for people , and that this is going to show how much I care about them. And that's that's not always the case. Um , we can we can spend time with people , we can write them cards. We can kind of pause and ask , well , what's most meaningful to me and what's most meaningful to this person , and what could I give them or do for them that would speak to the relationship we have ? And if it's a physical gift , great. And it might be a day that we're going to spend together. It might be a road trip on the coast or up to LA , and we're going to go walk on the beach and do something that's not too expensive , but a lot of the expectations about money we think we should spend can really increase our financial stress and just cause more heartache. Mhm.

S1: Mhm. Yeah , it's it's not so much about the commercialization right of the holiday. Um , you know let's , let's talk through some possible scenarios here. Starting with the holiday party. Say someone feels overwhelmed with all the small talk.

S2: Um , let's imagine that we're going to a holiday party , and we're feeling anxious beforehand. First , we want to give ourselves a moment to pause and ask ourselves , what's coming up for me ? How do I feel about going to this event ? And even that , that pause beforehand , where we can check in with ourselves , can really start to reduce the anxiety. People often assume that if I focus or pay attention to whatever is bothering me , it's actually going to make it worse. And what we find in psychotherapy and what we see at Mesa Vista is that when we look at the issue , it actually becomes a lot more manageable. And so when people think about going to these holiday parties , we want to pause and we want to ask ourselves , what am I thinking about as I go into this ? What kind of experience would I like to have ? Are there things that I may have done in the past , or ways of interacting in which that didn't feel comfortable for me and no longer work for me ? And what would I like it to look like this time ? What what boundaries do I need to set with my family members ? With my friends ? Uh , perhaps we have this tradition of of doing X , Y , or Z. And , you know , this year that just really doesn't work for me. And so really taking a moment to pause and ask ourselves , what do we want the interaction to look like ? What do we want it to look like really. And then scheduling some time to debrief afterwards , finding somebody who's safe , whether it's your therapist or a best friend or a confidant who we can debrief with afterwards , process the experience for ourselves , and then kind of figure out what worked and didn't work. But setting up a plan for before the interaction. What do we really want to look like ? Managing expectations and setting boundaries while we're there and then having a debrief period can be really helpful. Mhm.

S1: Mhm. Um , should people feel obligated to go to every holiday gathering they're invited to ? Maybe some people for them can be. It can be a little overwhelming , I imagine. Absolutely.

S2: Absolutely. Yeah. I do not encourage everyone to go to every single event. That's a recipe for anxiety and not a good time during the holidays. You want to go to the ones that work for you and the ones that you can't go to. Reschedule. Tell the person that you'd love to spend some time with them this holiday season , but you can't make that event and you'd love to do something different. But really managing. Um , how do I want to spend this time ? Do I need to go to my friend's holiday party and my holiday party and my work holiday party ? And this holiday party ? Well , that doesn't seem comfortable for me. Well , what does seem comfortable ? And so long as I'm taking care of , I can kind of manage whatever else comes up in that process and whatever reactions I get from people when I say no.

S1: Yeah , well , okay , so here's another one. There's also this , you know , the dreaded conversation at the dinner table for some folks , you know , maybe you have some relatives whose opinions you disagree with. How do you navigate that delicate social situation ? Yeah.

S2: This brings up a lot of anxiety for a lot of folks. Something that can be very helpful is kind of having our nose and our yeses ready. An example of that would be I'm not going to be talking about politics this year , but I would love to hear about your kids soccer and anybody who knows parents whose kids are in sports or soccer , they know they'd love to talk about it.

S1: So that they can go.

S2: Go and go and go. And so having a couple of responses ready about , hey , you know , actually I don't want to talk about that , but I would love to hear about this. So I'd still love to have a great connection with you in a conversation with you. But these topics , you know , they're not going to work for me. And so that that kind of one , two and having that ready can be really helpful.

S1: All right. Well the shopping malls are packed , things are expensive. And people are on their worst behavior over parking spaces. I've seen this. Um , all of it can be like sensory overload and really spike anxiety.

S2: Just like the one I just just took in this moment. Um , yeah. The parking lots getting in the mall , the high stress we all have , the image in our mind of two people fighting over the same sweater and pulling it back and forth , and it can all be overwhelming. So we want to find moments whether we're at the mall or in our car or at any time , to kind of pause , take a deep breath , check in with ourselves. If we're in a situation or a moment where we are feeling overwhelmed. First thing you want to do is find some space. Take an inventory. What's coming up for me right now ? What is it asking of me ? Do I just need to take a deep breath ? Do I need to make a phone call if I am in a crisis , do I need to seek professional help , call my therapist , reach out to sharp mesa Vista , etc. we teach a skill at the hospital called Box Breathing , in which we just encourage people to breathe in for four seconds , hold for four seconds , and breathe out for four seconds. And one of the things we know is that when we're feeling dysregulated , rhythm can really regulate us. So rhythm regulates , and the first place we can start with is our breath. And on your chest. And for four seconds hold out for four seconds. And so especially in moments when we are in the parking lot and when we're all fighting for the same spot , just taking a moment and doing that can be really helpful. Mhm.

S1: Mhm. Good advice there. Um , another situation here. You know , the holidays can be a really difficult time for people who recently lost a loved one or someone they really care about. Um , how can they navigate that grief.

S2: Um , yeah. Well , um , part of it kind of comes back to expectations. Do I think that I should be happy during this holiday season ? Do I think I have to present a certain way , in light of all the grief I've experienced ? Or. And we would say yes to this. Can my grief and other emotions coexist ? Does it have to look a particular way ? Do I have to show up at Christmas and feel down the whole time ? Or can I find moments where I can allow myself to experience the grief ? Whatever that looks like , whether it's some sadness or some anger and some frustration that the person is not here , that it's not the way we we wished it was. And can that come alongside moments of joy and relief ? So that tends to be a big challenge. One doesn't have to cancel out the other. Um , there's also rituals that people find helpful. Some people like to light a candle , or they'll prepare a meal or , or baked cookies or whatever they used to do with that person. They can find that really helpful. So the big thing to kind of consider and do is pause and reflect , and what's going to make this holiday season meaningful for me.

S1: That's important. And then also allowing yourself to feel joy and to to really embrace those , those moments too. Yeah. You know , is there , you know. What's the best way to comfort someone who may be mourning the loss of of a person they cared about ? Yeah.

S2: Great question. There's not exactly one perfect thing to say. And that's kind of the first step , is recognizing that there's sometimes nothing you can say. Sometimes it's just your presence. It's a check in. It's sending a text and saying , hey , I'm thinking about you , thinking about you today. Hope all is well. And just kind of being there for somebody. The worst thing we can do is say that everything happens for a reason or you'll get through this things , it's going to be okay or kind of cliches like that , just saying , hey , this is really hard. And I can tell it's hard. And just just so you know , I'm here for you and just that presence and that , that constant , um , uh , being there for somebody can be really helpful. And then recognizing that grief is not just one particular emotion. It's not just sadness. There is a variety of ways. It's not a singular event. It's a process and something that we experience over time.

S1: Um , well , you know , um , the holidays can also be lonely for some folks , especially those who might be disconnected from their family or community.

S2: Many people are alone during the holidays , and it's it's kind of taboo to think about. Um , you look at TV and film and the expectation is that you're going to be surrounded by friends and loved ones and family. And for some people , that's true. And for many others , it's not the case. And so we want to kind of figure out where other ways that I can find community and connection. Is there anybody who comes to mind ? And I encourage everyone right now to kind of pause and say , is there anyone I can think of right now who might not have anybody to spend the holidays with ? Could I send them a text either on Christmas Day , on Christmas Eve , or whatever holiday that you're celebrating ? How can I just kind of show up in a in a small and significant way ? Um , because it does , it is a big problem and it's not always acknowledge and again , kind of going back to the expectations of how I should experience the holidays and I should have all these people around me. And it's just not always the case. So a simple text , a simple check in and then finding ways that you can be around community , friends and family that works for you. It's really important.

S1: Well , the holidays look different for everyone , and there are so many unnecessary expectations that come along with it this time of year.

S2: At Short Mesa Vista is the connection between how you're thinking about the holidays , how it's going to make you feel , and what you're going to do. If I think that this is going to be a joyful holiday season and that that it's not going to look how it used to look , but that it's going to look good for me , that's going to make me feel a little bit better , and it's going to encourage me to engage in it in different ways. If I'm if I'm having unhelpful thoughts about the holidays. It's going to change how I feel , it's going to change how I interact with them. And so kind of thinking about and taking a moment , how do what I like to think about this holiday season , how does that thought make me feel about it ? And then what do I want to do that is in alignment with my value , with my goals for the new year and for everything that's to come.

S1: I've been speaking with Jacob Sedan , associate marriage and family therapist with sharp mesa Vista. Jacob , thank you so much and happy holidays to you.

S2: Thank you for having me. Happy holidays.

S1: That's our show for today.

S3: I'm your host , Jade Hindman. Thanks for tuning in to Midday Edition. Be sure to have a great day on purpose , everyone.