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Dear Life Kit is NPR's advice column, where experts answer tricky questions about relationships, social etiquette, work culture and more.
This question was answered by marriage and family therapist Moraya Seeger DeGeare. The conversation has been edited for length and clarity.
Dear Life Kit, I'm having trouble respecting my husband because of his work habits. We've both been working from home since the pandemic. I pride myself on my work ethic, and I have a good reputation at my company. My husband makes a substantial amount more than I do, but he doesn't work nearly as hard. He spends his morning doing personal things. He often signs off early or runs around during the day when he should be at his desk. While he's slacking off all day, my work has been so stressful that I'm considering leaving my position after more than 20 years. My husband and I get along very well in every other aspect of our lives, but this pesky 9-to-5 situation is driving me up the wall. —Cranky co-worker
You are telling us right in the beginning that you pride yourself on your work ethic. So your sense of belonging, purpose and value seem tied to output. Even though your partner is bringing in a nice income, you're seeing him behave in a way that doesn't align with your values. His output isn't there. You've lost respect for your partner because work is how you respect yourself. So talk about self-worth with your partner. How does he define his value? For you, that's work. For him, it probably isn't. You have to respect that too.
Concerning your job, there's a lot of self-work to do. Your unhappiness with your partner may have to do with your unhappiness at work. In reality, you could probably work a little less. But it's scary to leave a job. Most of us will try very hard to avoid a big career move.
Next, take a look at your domestic workload. One partner is so burned out, and the other has so much time. Is the workload balanced between you two? Or do you have issues around gender roles at home and things getting done?
If you're overworking at work, you're probably overworking at home and in your relationships. Overworkers don't tend to ask for help at work — and probably don't ask for help at home either. So on top of a stressful job, you may be doing all the grocery shopping and the laundry and carrying the mental load.
There's a game called Fair Play that a lot of my couples in therapy play. You divide up all the household chores. You put all the things that need to get done in front of you. And you talk about them with your partner.
That could be an amazing place to start. Then the partner who wasn't seeing the work that needed to be done could realize, "Oh, I have time to knock these couple of things out in 30 minutes and still have all my free time."
Listen to Seeger DeGeare's full response to this listener's query, plus more questions like these, in our podcast episode "Dear Life Kit: I'm at my breaking point."
This story was written by Beck Harlan. It was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is Beck Harlan.
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