It has happened to all of us before. We walk into a family gathering and rather than saying hello, our child darts the other way and tries to hide behind us. This can make us feel self conscious. To make things trickier, the more we want our child to engage, the more they burrow into our legs.
This is temperament at work. Temperament is a child’s inborn way of approaching the world — the “why” that explains the meaning of her behavior. Temperament is something we’re all born with, not something children choose or that parents create. It’s why some of us revel in new experiences and others are anxious. Some people need time to warm up to new situations.
The holidays can intensify these differences in temperament. Outgoing or extroverted children often thrive with all of the people and attention that come with holiday parties. Dr. Thomas Boyce, an emeritus professor of pediatrics and psychiatry at the University of California, San Francisco, has called kids with this kind of natural ability to adapt “dandelions” because they are equipped to thrive in almost any situation.
But for other children, reconnecting with or meeting new people can feel very stressful. Especially during busy holiday gatherings. Dr. Boyce refers to these children as “orchids” because small changes in their environment can be tough for them. For these sensitive kids, holiday parties can be too much. Further, many children who are more fearful and cautious often have low sensory thresholds. They feel bombarded by sensations that are difficult for them. Loud noises and having people too close to them can be too much. Crowded and noisy environments feel very overwhelming to them. Especially holiday celebrations where there is the expectation that they need to be “social.” If you have a sensitive child in your life, there are some easy ways to support your child during the holidays:
Prepare your child for holiday events.Show them a calendar so they can see exactly when the events are happening. Tell them who will be there and show pictures of the other guests. Remind your child of experiences they have shared with others who will be there. You might also tell funny stories about relatives or friends. This can put children in a more positive, open state of mind.
Make a plan.When you are going into situations you expect will be a challenge for your child, acknowledge that you know things like holiday parties can be hard. Brainstorm with your child beforehand about what they might want to do. You might suggest picking out a book to read with a relative. Or you could read the book while a friend sits alongside you. Or, pack a backpack with some small toys, markers, and books so your child can have some things to play with on their own. One choice should always include just being a “watcher” until your child feels ready to join the party.
Greetings can be hard for a child. Talk with your child about how they can choose to offer a handshake or a high-five instead of a hug or kiss. Practice talking in advance. Brainstorm about what your child might want to show or tell.
Keep in mind that while your child may show excitement at making these plans, in the actual moment they may freeze up. If that happens, just acknowledge that you see they're not ready to engage. Give them some space. Forcing interaction is likely to result in further withdrawal. Expressing disappointment in your child’s behavior will only increase their anxiety.
Help others understand your child.It’s important to help friends and family understand the meaning of your child’s reaction. Offer ideas for how to help them warm up. It doesn’t have to be extensive or apologetic. In fact, a simple statement like “Hudson can get overwhelmed in new situations, especially big gatherings. To cope, he sometimes pushes people away or just avoids engagement. It’s not personal. With some time, he often warms up” can make all the difference. Then suggest the guest start doing something your child enjoys, such as reading one of his favorite books aloud. Often, your child will sidle up slowly to listen in.
Set appropriate limits.If your child gets really overwhelmed and is hurting others with his words or his body to keep people away, it is important to set a limit. Provide your child with a safe space to calm down. You can say something like: “I know it’s uncomfortable to have new people in the house and a lot of commotion, but it’s not okay to use our bodies or our words in hurtful ways. If you are having a hard time, we can find you a safe space until you’re ready to join us. If you want to try to stay at the party, I can be a helper.”
By showing your child that you understand them and that you respect and love them for who they are, you are helping them. This helps to build self-acceptance and self-awareness. You are providing them with the tools they need to manage stressful social situations. This will lead them to finding ways to feel more comfortable and enjoy these experiences.
As Dr. Boyce has found, given supportive, nurturing conditions, orchid children can thrive. By providing your child with the tools to manage challenging situations, that sensitive, shy child who hides between your legs can grow up to be an adult who handles new situations with ease. Even including those hectic holiday parties.
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Author: Claire Lerner, LCSW-C is a child development specialist and author of "Why Is My Child In Charge?" For over 30 years, Claire has been partnering with parents to help them understand their young children's behavior and development and to solve their most vexing childrearing challenges. She also provides consultation and training to local preschools and pediatric residents. In addition, Claire is the author and creator of hundreds of resources for parents and professionals that translate the science of early childhood into practical tools for promoting children's healthiest development.
