The holiday season means holiday movies: films that can be counted upon to bring warmth and holiday cheer — and also probably some snow, a little bit of magic, and grumpy, greedy, workaholic protagonists who need to be reminded of the true meaning of Christmas.
Good holiday movies can be great, but bad holiday movies? They can be fun in their own way. Maybe they serve up tired clichés or schmaltzy sentiment. Or maybe if it's Love Actually, they just do Emma Thompson really dirty.
So we're debating: what's the worst Christmas movie of all time?
This has been adapted from an episode of NPR's Pop Culture Happy Hour podcast. You can listen to the full conversation here.
Jingle All The Way (1996)
Stephen Thompson: When you break it down, what makes a Christmas movie bad? I don't think you can come up with a better metric than purports to satirize or comment upon commercialism while being 100% steeped in it, and refusing to undermine it in any way.
The plot of Jingle All The Way can be summed up in five words: Man wants toy for science. Arnold Schwarzenegger is your star, and Sinbad is his kind-of sort-of rival. This is part of the colossally large genre of '90s family comedies about terrible fathers. It has enough material for a skit, maybe a 22-minute episode of a sitcom, but it is stretched out to 90 minutes full of digressions. None of this looks fun for anybody. Phil Hartman has a ton of scenes, none of which are funny.
On top of that, very little lesson-learning happens. The only person who winds up having any kind of perspective is the little kid played by Jake Lloyd, who would go on to play Anakin Skywalker and then leave acting.
Jingle all the Way has a sequel from 2014. Does it have any of the same actors? It does not. It has Larry the Cable Guy.
I Believe in Santa (2022)
Aisha Harris: I have a pretty high tolerance for bad Christmas romantic comedies. That is my genre. I can enjoy them almost no matter what. The 2022 Netflix rom-com, I Believe in Santa, is an exception.
What if Elf or Miracle on 31 Street were supremely creepy? That is the premise of this movie. Lisa (Christina Moore) is a writer for a local newspaper. The only assignments she seems to get are holiday-related. Then she meets Tom (John Ducey), a lawyer, and when they hit Christmas season, she discovers that Tom is obsessed with Christmas — and he believes that Santa is real.
He likens his faith in Santa Claus to a religious belief that adults just don't get. If you've had enough eggnog, that might actually start to make sense. But the more you think about it, the more you wonder: is this movie trying to say that Tom is a persecuted minority because he believes in Santa Claus?
Love Actually (2003)
Wailin Wong: Love Actually is the much beloved 2003 holiday rom-com written and directed by Richard Curtis and featuring a stacked cast: Hugh Grant, Alan Rickman, Emma Thompson, Keira Knightley, Laura Linney, and Colin Firth are all in it. But I have resented this movie getting canonized as the ultimate holiday rom-com — or even a rom-com at all — because to me, it fails as a rom-com. There are too many storylines, and only a few of them are even a little bit romantic. Most of them are super sad, or just kind of nothing-burgers to me.
It opens with a monologue by Hugh Grant's character, playing the prime minister, in which he mentions 9/11. No, thank you. Why are we talking about 9/11 in the opening minutes of a rom-com? The script is also weirdly fatphobic, which I realize on a rewatch. It's terrible.
And the one thing that I really, really don't like about this movie — the thing that grinds my gears the most — is the storyline featuring Keira Knightley, whose character is married to Chiwetel Ejiofor's. His best friend is played by Andrew Lincoln, and he has been secretly yearning for her. He shows up at the end of their storyline with these big cue cards that say things like, "To me, you are perfect." I hate this: it's been sold to us as the ultimate grand romantic gesture, when to me, it is the height of narcissism. It's so selfish.
Scrooge and Marley (2012)
Glen Weldon: The 2012 film Scrooge and Marley is a gay take on A Christmas Carol set in modern day Chicago. And when you hear that there's a gay version of A Christmas Carol, certain questions leap inevitably to mind. So let's knock them down: Number one, is it narrated by Judith Light? Yes, it is narrated by Judith Light. Another: Who plays Fezziwig? Is it Bruce Vilanch? Bruce Vilanch does play Fezziwig, because Bruce Vilanch is what happens when you can't meet Harvey Fierstein's quote.
Ben Scrooge (David Pevsner) owns a gay piano bar (redundant), he hates Christmas, and ghosts arrive to take him on a tour of Chicago in the past, present, and future. This film was done on the cheap, and it looks it, filmed in cramped, underlit Chicago apartments and bars. There's one gay bathhouse, Man's Country, which has since closed. In the credits, the producers thank two and only two companies for their product placement — Absolut Vodka and Grindr.
Look: I don't legitimately believe this to be the worst holiday movie of all time. It exudes exactly what you expect it to exude, which is raw sincerity and sentimentality. Those are two things I'm allergic to personally — but it's doing its job, right? I think it's entirely possible that someone who does not have a desiccated husk where a heart should could even enjoy this film. Not likely, but entirely possible.
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