I hate Valentine's Day, Galentine's Day and rom-coms. So why am I here? Because Galentine's Day falls on Friday the 13th this year, and that means I can gather my final girl besties to suggest some alternative film choices for the non-romantics out there.
If you find all the saccharine sentiment of St. Valentine’s Day a bit too much, just remember that the person this candy-coated holiday takes its name from was a man who was persecuted, arrested, beaten with clubs and finally beheaded. Imagine how different the holiday might be if those images dominated Valentine’s instead of cupids.
But on Friday the 13th, final girls can swap out cutesy hearts for bloody ones, watch horror films instead of romances, do crafty projects involving little coffins, and decorate with crime scene tape.
Here's a recipe for chocolate blood that you can put on your popcorn or use to decorate your home crime scene:
Now for the films. My final girls include artist/author/filmmaker Pia Thrasher; actor/singer/playwright Sarah Alida LeClair; poet/artist/podcaster Gaby Moreno; and artist Jennifer Cooksey.
The final girl films picked by Final Girl Besties
To start, my favorite final girl comes from the "Nightmare on Elm Street" franchise: the original final girl, Heather Langenkamp, as Nancy Thompson. She survived multiple times, but my favorite film she was in was "Wes Craven's New Nightmare." Craven is also the creator of "Scream," but here I felt he pulled off the meta riffs on the horror genre better, with Langenkamp getting to play herself and play Nancy. The franchise also lets us see this final girl mature into a woman.
Pia Thrasher: "My final girl is from 'Alien,' 'Aliens' or any 'Alien' movie. They all kick ass, and especially Ripley. Ellen Ripley (played by Sigourney Weaver) — she's my hero."
Sarah Alida LeClair: "I love the 'Scream' franchise. I love that it's so unexpected. I love that it's always got so much humor, and that even as they're chasing everybody to their death, they still have something sassy to say. It's so self-aware. It's one of my favorite movies."
Gaby Moreno: "Well, since it's Friday the 13th and it's Galentine's Day, it's fitting to pick a 'Friday the 13th.' 'Part VII' is my favorite. I love Tina — how she's a badass and she one-ups Jason. I love Jason, and I love how he looks in this movie, but Tina is amazing. She's has a Carrie vibe. She has telekineses and all that stuff. So I really love that film."
Jennifer Cooksey: "My favorite final girl film would be 'Evil Dead' (2013), because while, yes, we are given one of the best Scream Kings ever in Ash Williams, Mia is fantastic. That girl goes through literal hell and comes out the other side — minus a hand — but with an awesome chainsaw. So you can't beat that. So I love Mia. More props to Mia. She needs to get more flowers. And this is perfect for Valentine's Day as well."
Favorite anti-Valentine's film to kill the romance
So my pick is "The Honeymoon Killers," about the real-life serial killers known as the "Lonely Hearts Killers," Martha Beck and Raymond Fernandez. It actually is a genuine love story, but the high body count would probably prompt most people to label it an anti-Valentine's Day film. It's also a cautionary tale to any man looking to seduce a lonely woman.
Pia: "My anti-Valentine's would be 'Midsommar.' It's a breakup movie, first of all, and it's very creative. It's not every day that you put your boyfriend in a bear suit and burn him up, but props to that. I could have never thought of that. Very, very creative. I like that."
Sarah: "'Fright Night' with Colin Farrell. I think any time that you can empathize with the villain and want to go with him to wherever he's taking people to do his nefarious bidding, I think that's great — helping you feel better after a long, hard day of not wanting your romance."
Gaby: "Anti-Valentine's? I'll pick a current one, 'Companion.' I'm anti-AI and androids, but it's a female android, so it's feminism empowerment there. I go for her because it's a good revenge one. She pretty much gets the last laugh in that one."
Jennifer: "To kill the romance? For sure 'Paranormal Activity,' the first one. Micah is the worst boyfriend ever. He doesn't listen to his girlfriend. He is the absolute worst, and he has it all on film. We can see his awfulness forever. Yeah, that'll kill the romance. Any day. 'Paranormal Activity.'"
So there you have the picks. Happy Galentine's Day from the Final Girls! May it be bloody and sweet!
