S1: Hey there , San Diego , it's Andrew Bracken in for Jade Hindman today. A new book from an autism mom explores the importance of laughter. This is KPBS Midday Edition. Connecting our communities through conversation. Parenting can be fulfilling , life changing. It can also be challenging. Being a parent of a child with autism brings its own set of challenges. And some of those challenges don't end necessarily when their kids enter adulthood. Andrea moriarty. Moriarty is a proud autism mom who's been writing about her experience. Her latest book reflects on the journey her and other autism moms have gone through , the challenges that have come with it , but also the laughter. The book is called Daffy laughter is self-care for autism moms with very little time and no interest in exercise. Andre , welcome to Midday Edition. Thanks for having me.
S2: I'm glad you got through that subtitle. Yeah.
S1: Yeah. Yeah , well , I just love , you know , especially the ending always gets me no interest in exercise. I can definitely relate to that. So this is your third book on this topic of autism and parenting. What made you want to focus on this idea of , you know , laughter as self-care? Mhm.
S2: Mhm. Well , it works for me. Um , the books have taken a natural progression as my son has moved through school and post college. He's 32 now , and when he moved into his own apartment , I was able to go away for the weekend for the first time with a couple of girlfriends and their also autism moms. And my college roommate who turns out has a grandson on the spectrum. So the four of us , the four of us got away for the weekend and just laughed our heads off. And I came back from that trip realizing how important that was and how valuable that was. To have 72 hours of pure fun with no , none of the kind of the break from the hypervigilance and the constant , um , mental energy that being an autism mom requires. And we had connection , camaraderie and perspective. And I had an idea for a new book , which is what if this laughter , this ability to laugh and take in oxygen on this , um , lifelong journey is really keeping us afloat? So that was. Yeah.
S1: Yeah. You mentioned your son Reed. He's now in his 30s. Tell me more about about him? Yeah.
S2: Yeah. Reid's a musician. He's a singer songwriter. He's an actor in town. Um , we've crafted a vocation for him through the arts that he's motivated to do and is talented at doing. He's in a local band called Jungle Poppins. They perform about once a month. A lot of times up in North County , although also Sisters Pizza and Hillcrest. And , um , he's an entertainer. He's a performer. He's funny , he's a leader. And , um , he also has some high needs. And he he grew up having behavior as sort of his highest , um , obstacle to overcome.
S1: So , you know , you have a series of books now kind of going through different stages of Reid's life and how it's impacted your life and just some , you know , kind of advice and things like that. Tell us about , you know , before we kind of get more into Daffy here , like , tell us more about the previous books and what you wanted to kind of accomplish with those. Sure.
S2: Sure. Well , I've learned so much. I mean , it's been it's been a vocation for me to become an informed autism mom. And so I guess my motivation is always to pass that on , because there weren't the books I needed to read , I couldn't find. And the first one is called One Track Mind 15 Ways to Maximize Your Child's Potential. It seems like I like long subtitles , but it it is 15 principles that are transferable , and many of the examples are how we leaned into Reid's passion for music. When when we used music , he was just 100% attentive , and it was the path of least resistance because it was innately pleasurable for him to learn things through music.
S1: And you really dove into that as as a family , it sounds like , to just really embrace that love.
S2: Right , right. He's had , um , music therapy since he was five years old , and he learned everything from the planets to potty training to math through music. And , um , so that's the first book. The second book is radical Inclusion. How what I learned from my son with autism about risk , humility and kindness. We need a word. Another.
S1: Another. Yeah.
S2: Um , but that is sort of the story of what we did with Reed in lieu of leaving for college. How we crafted a podcast for him to that became his continuing education. So he's interviewed , um , the head writer of Sesame Street , Keb Mo , a lot of musicians , the the Keith Lockhart , the director of the Boston Pops , people that again , leaning into his special interests , people he found interesting and would sit and talk to. So , um , it's the backstory of making that podcast. It's funny , and it also highlights model programs around the country that are making inclusion possible for adults with disabilities.
S1: So in this book , Daffy , you share not only some of your own experiences , you know , as an autism mom , but you also include the experience of others. Tell me more about that and what you took from hearing other stories you know that went through a similar experience with you. Right?
S2: Right , right. So I came back from that getaway weekend with three other moms , and I had this concept for a book about laughter as self-care. And , um , I literally laid awake at night thinking , how am I going to tell these more raw , brutally honest , um , sometimes traumatic memories that I have from reads , you know , childhood and teen years because those are tricky. And I thought , um , I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can make it public. And then I had sort of an aha moment where I thought instead of throwing myself and maybe him under the bus , what if I asked ten friends to lay under the bus with me? And I asked , um , so I asked 11 friends and all , but one said yes , that they would sit with me and confide these outrageous stories of things we've survived. Um , and so we did one on one. I did one on one interviews with them. And these are women that I knew pretty well. We sit in waiting rooms together and we've known each other. We know each other's kids pretty well , but I had not heard most of the stories they shared. And so the book goes through topically , um , things like IEP meetings sort of triggering triggering memories for autism moms , I guess , toilet training , respite workers , um , doctors who've done you wrong and you know , well , you've done enough. Yeah.
S1: Yeah. Talk to me more about the doctor because you did say there was a lot of shared experiences in those difficult memories that I think it sounds like a lot of folks may have been kind of holding on to themselves. But one really common experience was very positive experiences with doctors and then a different experience. Can you can you talk about , well , what , your own memories?
S2: Yeah , yeah , I think in hindsight , I didn't know this at the time. But you know , autism moms can be pretty desperate for solutions or , um , assistance. And so we tried a lot of alternative health things and people. There was a secretin there phases of um , solutions , everything from swimming with dolphins to vitamin B. And so with that come a lot of varying kinds of doctors. And um , so one mom said to me , I think I buried all the doctor stories with the IP stories. Oh , no , wait , here's one. I just thought of one , you know , and so it is a real commonality to , to be , um , to harbor these stories of people that are supposed to be helpful but maybe don't have answers themselves. And so it's a lot of it's a lot of guesswork. What's going to work for each individual son or daughter with autism? It's not always , uh , obvious even to professionals. Yeah.
S1: Yeah. And you probably got to find the best fit. And mentioned you mentioned IEP plans a couple times and that's more like navigating those school years. Those are education plans that you work with educators on today , right. And come with their own set of challenges.
S2: Yeah , right. Well , Individualized Education Plan means that any student with a deficit from their grade level peers has a document that itemized those. And you sit around a table with professionals. Um , and that's emotionally just devastating for moms to sit and hear the litany of ways that their child isn't meeting the standards. Right , and then wanting the best for them and seeing their potential , but having to communicate that to a speech therapist , an ot a behavior list , the the principal of the school and the general editor teachers is exhausting in itself , and sometimes a losing battle because it comes down to funds and parents will do anything it takes for their kids. But the school district doesn't necessarily want to approve all that spending.
S1: So your book , you know , deals with some of these very difficult moments that you and others share here. Um , but I want to go back to that laughter piece. How do you make that connection to , you know , dealing with these things that you said could be quite traumatic , but bringing laughter as kind of an essential ingredient right to your own , you know , like response to all , all that comes with it.
S2: It gets easier with hindsight. There's something about and I've I've struggled with this trying to figure out the target market for the book. It's not for newly diagnosed families. You know , there's something about turning and I don't know if it's 45 or 50 or 60 , but there's a certain point at which you're willing and able to look back with hindsight and say , oh my word , that was ridiculous. Can you believe X , Y , or Z happened? And for me , you know , initially my husband and I would laugh about things , um , maybe my daughter too. And then with. And there's a confidence in this group of moms that we. We end up with a name called the Laughter Alliance. And my hope is that those , um , that women reading the book will form additional laughter alliances around the country. But there's a certain confidence of sharing with other autism moms that there's we're not laughing at anyone , but there's an underlying denominator of love in this. And the laughter is really a way to , um , reframe the past and to move forward because our kids continue to need us. It's really a life long they're going to they're going to need us forever. And so it's sustainable. It makes that lifetime journey sustainable. Um , one friend of mine likens it to climbing a mountain , and we all have mountains to climb. So in some ways the book's about overcoming adversity of a very specific kind. But we all have mountains to climb. And laughter is a choice. And it's the best way to take in oxygen to keep climbing. And so I like that metaphor you mentioned.
S1: You know , this laughter alliance , your own community with , with other , you know , autism moms. Um , but I want to talk a little bit about just like even the broader community. What do you think is the most hidden part of being an autism mom that you wish? I don't know , people better. Understood.
S2: Um , well , when the kids are young , it's a physical challenge. And then as they become teens , it's a it's a mental challenge of navigating a myriad of details and a myriad of helpers that we have. And I think people don't see the how , how fast we're pedaling underneath , um , to keep , keep their lives. Uh , sometimes it's literally keeping them alive , but to keep their lives moving and structured. You know , people with autism do best in a structured environment , and that means usually after a certain age , the school district is a structured environment can be. But then after school , these guys aren't driving. They many of them don't have a diploma , don't go off to college. And so it remains the parent's responsibility to create that structure , especially after age 22. And when they're there in the community and they need something to do all day. So that's exhausting. And , um , so I think people don't people don't realize that.
S1: Finally , we have a little under a minute here , but what have you learned from being Reid's mom over the course of these three decades now?
S2: There's always a way , just the hope that he continues to make progress at 32. Um , no matter whether we're teaching him whatever thing about the world. But there's there's always a way.
S1: I've been speaking with Andrea moriarty. She's the author of Daffy Laughter Self Care for autism Moms with very little time and no interest in exercise. She'll be appearing at Camino Books in Del Mar tomorrow , June 18th , starting at 6 p.m. we'll have a link to that in our show notes. Andrea , thanks so much for being here and congratulations on the new book.
S2: Thank you Andrea.
S3: That's our show for today. I'm your host , Jade Hindman. Thanks for tuning in to Midday Edition. Be sure to have a great day on purpose , everyone.
